"Move On" at Ravinia Festival. 2010.

Death in the Family

One of my oldest and best friends died on Sunday... or was it Saturday? I dunno.  I found out about it on Sunday. I was at my Auntie's house and she was checking her Facebook account, of all things. Or maybe she fount out first from her BB Messenger account, she said that that was how she found out who had died... Either way, she came into her living, where I was watching 'Never Let Me Go' with her daughter, her husband and my mother, and told us point blank what had happened. 



They couldn't get the name out at first, or they couldn't get it right. We know a Vershon and a Vashon. Two very different people, especially in their relationship to me. Vershon is by best friend; Vashon is a guy that I'm cool with but basically we just went to the same school together. They, at least name wise, have often been mixed up in the past. 



My Aunt said Vershon. My sister said Vash. I prayed desperately in the seconds that they sorted it out that it was Vash. I hate to say it. But... it is what I did.



When she said Vershon Simmons, I knew they were talking about my friend. It took a few seconds to register, but then it started to sink in. I cried. Quietly. I recognize now that I was holding back. I don't like to cry especially in public; I don't like being vulnerable in front of people. Which is ironic because I want to be an actor, which is all about being vulnerable in front of people. I eventually stopped crying, however, that was just the first of three bouts of crying that night. It didn't help that at the time I was watching a film about losing those close to you or the inevitability of loosing someone sooner than you think you should. I'm trying to remember where in the film I was told about Vershon... the film in that area is a blank to me. All I remember is that it was before she scene where Ruth tells Kathy and Tommy that she came between them all those years ago... maybe even before Kathy becomes a carer. 


That film is now forever linked to my memories of Vershon. I have to get in on DVD now.



---


I realize a day later, that I don't really believe it yet. It all feels like a cruel joke. 


Some friend at school were talking about how this girl kept posting 'RIP Vershun' on her wall over and over again and then had to correct herself afterward. 


It was the first time I told someone outside of my circle that he was my best friend. They said his name and I actually thought: 'Why do people keep saying he's dead. He's not dead.'


What are the stages of grief?

1. - Shock or Disbelief
2. - Denial
3. - Anger
4. - Bargaining
5. - Guilt
6. - Depression
7. - Acceptance and Hope

[Source: http://www.proactivechange.com/grief/stages.htm]

Based on this, I'd say I'm right on track. Even if its is an 'Emotionless Train' track.


---



Please read: “I’M RIDING THIS EMOTIONLESS TRAIN AS FAR AS IT WILL GO.”  by becomingjennie. 


She is a huge inspiration for me right now, and as I read this post aloud, I couldn't help but ball my eyes out. Everything she says rings true for me. There are so many things that we have in common, despite all the things that are different about us. 

Mis-truths and Half-Truths

Sometimes I get so caught up in wanting to looking perfect and good and worth-while, that I can forget that everyone else feels the same way. I mean, I understand that everyone else is insecure in some way - I can compute it. But it doesn't always translate in to true understanding, and true understanding always constitutes action. Always. If we do not act on what we think we believe then we don't really believe it.

Take my faith, for example. I've been a practicing Seventh-Day Adventist all of my life. The ideology of this religion is so ingrained in my system, that I don't even know where to begin to explain it. Bible was a core subject at my old school. Its possible that if you failed Bible, you could be held back a year. It's a system I just accepted - although quite frankly Bible was such an easy class to pass, if you failed it you probably deserved to stay back!

However, as I grow older I have found that I can just accept the things I was taught in that class at face value. I've been struggling in my faith for a long time. I refuse to give up on it, but I can't say that I am working on strengthening it.

I think it is the mistrust and the confusion that really prevents me from acting. I am scared of what I might discover. That the one thing that has been constant throughout my life is a lie. Suddenly, I can sympathize with all the people who discovered something similar for themselves after years and years of dedication. And not necessarily their faith. It could have been their marriage, their career, their sexual orientation. Anything really! Anything you held on to for so long, and then suddenly realized that it just was not true. Or that you never really believed it in the first place.

The Art of Acting... no, the Auditions of Acting

Stella Adler said once that "the theatre was created to tell people the truth about life and the social situation." (BrainyQuote.com)

This is a quote I am using in my Theory of Knowledge essay. The essay discusses the truth as it relates to art. When I first read the initial question, I knew it was the one for me. It gives me so much freedom. I could justify Hitler dressed as Jesus in a play if I really tried (*blank face* I wouldn't).

But thats not really what I aim to do with it. To me, the essay is more about investigating the worth of theatre to me and whether or not I should press forward with my own desires to be an actor. I've spent so much of my time, ignoring these desires, or rather ignoring the pursuit of them. I'd say its about time I actually invested time into it. Even when I'm working on my improv skills in class or at an audition, I get this sense that I'm holding back, scared.

--

I have an audition on Friday @ 7.20. I just found out about it yesterday. Well.... that's not true. It was confirmed yesterday, with my name lined up next to other names. I was expecting the email, was even checking my inbox to see if it was there.

Somehow, though, when it was there in black and white, I wasn't ready. I have to perform a contemporary monologue and a song of my choice, but its not a musical. The G&S Society of Bermuda is putting on a production of the play 'Animal Farm' and apparently there's a little bit of singing in it. The G&S productions here always have singing in them. In fact, the first play they ever put on was 'History Boys' last year - I was stage manager of that. But even 'History Boys' has singing it it.

I'm not that worried about being cast. I'm pretty confident I will be. The director of 'History Boys' is returning, and I think I have an in because he knows me and my work ethic. If I do get cast, it will be my first time ever performing in a G&S production. I've auditioned for the last two years for their musicals - even getting a call back for the last one. However, it just wasn't right. Marjorie Stanton, the president of the G&S Society of Bermuda called both times to tell me that it wasn't going to work out. She even, the last time, complimented me on my efforts with 'History Boys'. She's a class act.

This time is different. I really want to do this and I know that I'm full capable. I didn't feel that the last two times. For the first audition I was totally out of place: they didn't know me and I wasn't comfortable with that. It was for 'Oliver!' and I sang 'As Long as He Needs Me'. Like I was going to be cast as Nancy! Ha! Clearly, it was the wrong song and butchered it. Ended up singing 'Happy Birthday' like all the little kids. I was 16! Embarrassing!

The second time I was a much more confident and relaxed. The show was also more appropriate for me: 'Best Little Whorehouse in Texas'. Yeeehawww! But I screwed up with my song choice there too. I sang 'Cute Boys With Short Haircuts' from 'Vanities, The Musical', which is way too much for me - can't hit all those high notes yet. And I had just started learning it too. So I got in there and messed up the words. I tried to make up for it with my acting, and I even made the director laugh. That was exciting. The first time an auditioner has ever showed any spontaneous response to what I was doing in front of them. And laughter too! Wow. It was great.

I kinda messed it up on the call-back though. Didn't leave enough of an impression. Or maybe not the right kind of one. I was funny during the dancing: pushed up my boobs during the "nothing dirty's going on line" of 'Little Bitty Pissant Country Place'. But I fell flat on the acting portion. Rushed through my lines and played the comic beats instead of just letting them happen. Comedy is not my strong suit. *pout*

This time is different. Its a play. I'm dying to be a part of a play again! Also its a contemporary play too and I haven't acted in a contemporary play yet. At least for a paying audience.

This should be fun.

--

If I'm well prepared, auditions are actually fun for me. It's the stress before and after that's really annoying.

Any wannabe actors reading this ought to check out Stella Adler's book "The Art of Acting". I have it and although I haven't finished it yet, its a great read for anyone who wants to take the craft seriously.

For Freedom not for Beauty

There have been a few minor changes in my life in the past couple of days, and mostly in my attitude. I have this desire to see myself for who I really am. I have been rejecting my full capabilities for so long and I don’t want to do that anymore. There are so many things that I know I am capable of, if only I commit to actually doing them. And there is nothing like the feeling of meeting one’s own expectations of one’s self. Ahhhh, the satisfaction of a hard days work... it is a feeling I am far to unfamiliar with.

I have been thinking about going natural (as far as my hair is concerned) for a long time. Well, probably just a couple of years, on and off. And by on and off, I mean sporadically with months in between thoughts. Never really considering it, or at least as appropriate for that time in my life. I mean, I felt it was mostly a desire to avoid learning how to do all that requires for me to maintain my relaxed hair.

Truthfully, I do not think I was ever really motivated to learn how to do my hair like that, all straight and smooth. I liked it but it did not last and that was always a thorn in my side. I did not enjoy the responsibilities associated with it. The flat iron scared me and had no abitions to learn to perm my own hair like my mother and sister can. I do not know what that says about me, however, I will state that I have never been really motivated to do ANYTHING, let alone something strange and foreign to me.

So, when I started to thinking about going natural a few days ago, really thinking about it – do not know what prompted it – it’s strange to think, now, that none of this occurred to me. I never questioned what this decision said about me and my ‘laziness’ concerning doing my hair in its current state. I knew what I wanted: to experience me, all of me. Not just with this small thing that is the stuff on my head but also my work and career. I mean, I do not have a career yet, but I want one. I want to do work that is completely mentally and bodily satisfying. And I know what that work is: I want to act. Perform. Sing. I want the whole shebang and I am sick of lying to myself and my own friends and family about it. Tired of being a shamed of my own desired, as if they revealed me to be a weaker person or undeserving of their attention…

I dunno if that’s exactly true… I mean, maybe I am more ashamed of my lack of effort to achieve my goals and think they will look down on me because I have not proven myself or full displayed my talents. Tears come to my eyes as I think about what this claiming of my future means for my own psyche. It seems to mean that from now on, my life is no longer about proving myself – and therefore about winning or losing/showing-off or embarrassing myself – but now it’s about just claiming what is right in front of me.

--

It’s an awkward time to realize this: I have mock examinations beginning this week and a few major assignments due. I cannot let myself be discouraged though. I find that happens far too often. I look up and see all the things that I have to do and I become overwhelmed by the sheer amount. And then the self-loathing sets in because I know its all my fault and that I could have been avoided if I only focused my attention on it sooner.

I am a little scared though, I have to admit. I mean, as much as I believe that I can accomplished ALL the things I wish, I also believe in the agony of the effort. It is very real for me. I cry in the middle of writing essays, I yell and throw things. I have ripped up paper and deleted files altogether. And the truth is, I do not want that to be a part of my process anymore. I want to move beyond that. Beyond the Shana that needed everything to be perfect, because it is not a worthy investment and nor is it a practical investment. Part of the reason I avoid work the way I do is because of how painful the process is. The fear of failing, of proving myself unworthy or supremely ignorant. I do not want to do any of that, but at the same time I do not want to be afraid of it either. I have to learn to accept that these things are a part of my life and will ALWAYS be.

*sigh* Well, I’m gonna wrap it up this evening with the poem that this post is named for. Seriously, I thinking I’m going to tattoo these works to me body, SOMEWHERE. Maybe just a token phrase. I’m thinking “Since when is creativity subject to criticism?” What do you think? And where should I get it?

Read it at Chrisette Michele’s website: This is the link to “For Freedom not for Beauty”.
PS. Her hair cut is the one I want. I think it will work with my face and head shape. Wish I had her eyes though...