I feel fat :&

Friendships & Acceptance

I should be writing my Research Paper for English (its basically my final exam) but I'm gonna write this first just because I need to get a few things off my chest before I get back to work.
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Sometimes, and more often recently, I wonder how people come about the life that they live. Like, what motivates them to do certain things. I spend a lot of time in my room; I'm a self-proclaimed hermit. But I am truly beginning to tire of this. Toward the end of my time at Warwick Academy I started to really break out of my comfort zone in a way that I didn't really think about doing in the past. I became frustrated with the monotony of my life and wanted to hang out with my friends more and live life. I had a feeling that coming to Oakwood would set me back, and it has, but maybe I was a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy.

How do people make friends? How do they decide what to do together? I just don't know. I live so much of my life in conversations with myself. I don't always know... well, that's not completely true. I can make friends. I have great friends. Beautiful people. If only I knew them better... 

I'm interested in having deep connections with people and that doesn't always happen right away. It rarely does. Half the time though, I don't know what to do with myself. There's a skating rink here that I have no real interest in going to. At least not by myself. And no one's ever asked me. 

I guess that's part of my problem. I keep waiting for someone to what to be my friend but I don't know if it works like that. That's the way I think about friendships though. I wanna be friends with people that I like and think are interesting. And even if I don't think you're that interesting, than I don't what to be your friend. I'm a little prejudiced, but who isn't?

I also don't like to force myself on someone who doesn't want or like me. Who doesn't think of me when they want to talk to somebody. I have a few 'friends' like that. People whom I love, but I don't really know what they think of me. There is like a wall, erected by them or me, and its separating us. Unfortunately, these are often the most interesting people and the ones that I want to be around!

But back to the question... my life seems to be in park (no pun intended w/ my last name). Just stopped on so many levels. Not improving, not particularly decreasing in quality, just stagnant. Maybe that's what I feel and why people aren't really drawn to me here. People like people who have things going on, who have qualities that you want yourself. If I don't have anything - that they can see - to offer, than why not pursue relationships with people who - you perceive to - have got it going on? 

I'm a needy friend, and I don't like it.

Always looking for love and recognition. I guess that's why performing can be so scary for me. To feel all that rejection being thrown at your face is not easy. It has to be dealt with in the healthy way though. And with a clear mind and realistic expectations. That's key.

I've been told to my find my acceptance in God... but that takes a commitment that I haven't ever given anything in my life before. Its a commitment that I understand in my head will only benefit me, but my relationship with God cannot be self-serving. I have to find a love for God and and I just don't know how to do that. Its a little scary. The Bible is a big book, full of many books and I just don't know where to start. A Pastor once said in church that a new member, or a new person to the faith should start by reading the Psalms & Proverbs.  I've never forgotten that, though I think he only said it once or twice. Maybe that's what I should do... David was a man after God's heart, maybe I should study what he thought about life and relationships. The lessons he learned... He messed up a whole lot so I'm sure he had a lot of great things to say.

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Old school Gospel. Puts me in a good mental place. Takes me back to my childhood when I was oblivious to responsibilities and the worries of the world. Ahhhhhhh.