I feel fat :&

Friendships & Acceptance

I should be writing my Research Paper for English (its basically my final exam) but I'm gonna write this first just because I need to get a few things off my chest before I get back to work.
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Sometimes, and more often recently, I wonder how people come about the life that they live. Like, what motivates them to do certain things. I spend a lot of time in my room; I'm a self-proclaimed hermit. But I am truly beginning to tire of this. Toward the end of my time at Warwick Academy I started to really break out of my comfort zone in a way that I didn't really think about doing in the past. I became frustrated with the monotony of my life and wanted to hang out with my friends more and live life. I had a feeling that coming to Oakwood would set me back, and it has, but maybe I was a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy.

How do people make friends? How do they decide what to do together? I just don't know. I live so much of my life in conversations with myself. I don't always know... well, that's not completely true. I can make friends. I have great friends. Beautiful people. If only I knew them better... 

I'm interested in having deep connections with people and that doesn't always happen right away. It rarely does. Half the time though, I don't know what to do with myself. There's a skating rink here that I have no real interest in going to. At least not by myself. And no one's ever asked me. 

I guess that's part of my problem. I keep waiting for someone to what to be my friend but I don't know if it works like that. That's the way I think about friendships though. I wanna be friends with people that I like and think are interesting. And even if I don't think you're that interesting, than I don't what to be your friend. I'm a little prejudiced, but who isn't?

I also don't like to force myself on someone who doesn't want or like me. Who doesn't think of me when they want to talk to somebody. I have a few 'friends' like that. People whom I love, but I don't really know what they think of me. There is like a wall, erected by them or me, and its separating us. Unfortunately, these are often the most interesting people and the ones that I want to be around!

But back to the question... my life seems to be in park (no pun intended w/ my last name). Just stopped on so many levels. Not improving, not particularly decreasing in quality, just stagnant. Maybe that's what I feel and why people aren't really drawn to me here. People like people who have things going on, who have qualities that you want yourself. If I don't have anything - that they can see - to offer, than why not pursue relationships with people who - you perceive to - have got it going on? 

I'm a needy friend, and I don't like it.

Always looking for love and recognition. I guess that's why performing can be so scary for me. To feel all that rejection being thrown at your face is not easy. It has to be dealt with in the healthy way though. And with a clear mind and realistic expectations. That's key.

I've been told to my find my acceptance in God... but that takes a commitment that I haven't ever given anything in my life before. Its a commitment that I understand in my head will only benefit me, but my relationship with God cannot be self-serving. I have to find a love for God and and I just don't know how to do that. Its a little scary. The Bible is a big book, full of many books and I just don't know where to start. A Pastor once said in church that a new member, or a new person to the faith should start by reading the Psalms & Proverbs.  I've never forgotten that, though I think he only said it once or twice. Maybe that's what I should do... David was a man after God's heart, maybe I should study what he thought about life and relationships. The lessons he learned... He messed up a whole lot so I'm sure he had a lot of great things to say.

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Old school Gospel. Puts me in a good mental place. Takes me back to my childhood when I was oblivious to responsibilities and the worries of the world. Ahhhhhhh.

Dealing With Resentment

I'm trying to fight a lot of bad feelings inside me. On the one hand, I've been so blessed and I feel like I am exactly where I am supposed to be right now. On the other hand,  I feel less than and not worthy of all the great things that I imagine for myself.

I tell myself that prestige doesn't matter; I just want to go somewhere where I can focus on acting and performing and learn from those around me. I'm not ready to hit the pavement and start running yet - nowhere near! I know that about me... But when you've got friends applying and being accepted to all these prestigious schools (Julliard, Berkeley, etc.) its hard to fight off those feelings of inferiority. Couple that with the fact that these are the people that beat you our for parts in High School!

In High School, while I was playing my supporting  roles, I tried to remind myself that I was good at what I did and to take pride in it. I relished the praise that I got from people because I truly wanted my talent to be recognized. It confirmed all the things that I believed/wanted to believe about my worth as a performer. Whatever the reasons why I didn't get those parts are really irrelevant to me now. I have to look forward and go where I am wanted.

I will say this, though: playing those supporting roles gave my SUCH an appreciation for the ensemble. It is so fulfilling! Looking back, yes, you want the lead role and the attention, but mostly I just wanted to play the most interesting part. I wanted to play a part that would challenge me on some level. And I didn't always have the maturity to play some of those parts...whatever, I can't afford to look back anymore.

And that is hard too. I was on Facebook today and I saw a picture of a girl from my High School (really, I'm only a year out of high school so... a lot of my friends are still there!) and she looked great. I scanned her page and found out that she is auditioning for some really great theatre schools - NYU, RADA, etc - and I felt the green monster start to take over. I'm still trying to fight it down right now. I'm trying to just be happy for her but that's hard too. Yes, I knew her and we were friendly, but I have difficulty calling her my friend. Its the same with my classmates to go to the school I mentioned in paragraph 2: I feel weird calling them my friends. I spent 4 years in the same drama program as them and yet they only feel like acquaintances. I can't recall a real conversation I've had with any of them... nope, none.

I did meet real friends in the theatre community at Warwick Academy: Sydney, Rajai, Mrs. Anna Mathias. People that I want and will keep in touch with (Of course, there are others whom I love but I don't feel totally comfortable, like, dropping them a message on Facebook like we were buddy-buddies). Ironically, these were people whom I mostly worked with off-stage. Mrs. Mathias co-directed a few of the productions and where there as like a reference. Sydney was on the tech team and Rajai only directly participated in Little Shop of Horrors (my first real musical!) as the choreographer and Audrey II. It was his work as the choreographer where we really connected, but that was such a brief bit of time compared to the 4 years I was with the others.

Why do we connect with some people and not others? I dunno, but I cannot just focus on the people I that I think are doing the things that I need to be doing. That's not necessarily true. In fact, if those where the places that I needed to me, God would have placed me there and given me the means to stay there. Sometimes I worry that I lack the ambition or the confidence that I wouldn't even bother to audition for these places. And maybe that is a part of it. I am a little scared to compete with the people that, I felt, were kinda put on a pedestal right in front of me.

But I just don't feel ready. I feel like that at the level that I am now, I would just be rejected - like I was when I auditioned for the Drama Centre in London. (Did I ever mention there was a guy JUST like Rowan there? Yeah, he got a call back while the rest of us packed up and went home. I'm not bitter.)

I don't know how to get rid of these feelings other than, maybe, working hard to become the performer that I want to be. Putting my focus, not on them and their successes, but on the work I have to do to achieve success of my own. Only then can I see myself being free to be TRULY happy for the people in my life. And I want to be happy for them! The people I have mentioned here - by name and by inference - are beautiful people that I would love to be close to. It just didn't happen for some. And that's okay, too.

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Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail again. Fail better.
Samuel Beckett

What does commitment look like?

No seriously. What does it look like? It's that foreign to me. Sometimes I feel committed to something. But those feeling go away so quickly. Perhaps I'm more impulsive that I give myself credit for... I have no self-control.

But there are all these things that I want... Would it kill me to work a little harder to get them?

I spent the entire day in bed today. Woke up only to eat and then I go and have pizza. I feel like as fat pig (not to mention I weighed myself YESTURDAY... Not good. I weigh like 183 pounds. No wonder I'm so slow.)

I'm so scared. Scared I will be fat and unhappy for the rest of my life. for as long as I can remember I have been overweight and unhappy. Buried so deeply under my bad habits that I often feel like I cannot breathe.

Hope is only a dream. I'm so scared to want things. And I don't know why. I haven't faced half as much of the adversity that some people have... Not that I would know very much about that. Nonfiction is so difficult for me to read. I lived most of my life in this fantasy world. Bad things are happening in the world right now. I can't spend my entire life trying to avoid truth.

INFJs are called the Protectors. Part of me feels believes that I don't want to know the truth about the world because of how helpless it will make me feel. I can't help most of the people in he world. I'm exhausted just thinking about trying... Whoa.

My choir prayed for some country that tragedy struck YESTURDAY. I came in late so I don't know where they were talking about, but I'm so disconnected from the world. I should have known anyway. I should be more in touch with International News. My perspective I unique- being from Bermuda and also American - but what good is my perspective if I do not use it to help people and expand their awareness of the world.

I know I want to help people. I just have to get through these last 69 day of Oakwood, doing my best, so I can can go somewhere and actually help people. I do not want to be here. I don't want to get too comfortable here. This is not the real world. People are going to expect more from me the further I go in my education. I cannot act like I am still I high school. That's just stupid, and I'm not stupid.

Claiming My Breakthrough

I started singing for real this week. I don't know what it is but suddenly, as if through osmosis or something (because I defiantly have not been practicing as I should have), I started to sing.

Now I've sang my entire life but not as good as I would have liked. More recently, songs a have been more difficult for me to sing. As you get older and more experienced, more is expected of you - as it should be!

But of course, I am here at Oakwood University to improve my singing skills and to cultivate skills that will support this, ie reading music.

Everyday is a struggle to continue to improve myself. But I am trying. I am not willing to give up -- I want to be great too much.

I Feel Sexy ;D

Tiredness

I feel so tired. Maybe it's because I worked out yesterday and did not get enough sleep. Thankfully I only have two classes today. Two classes and Glee.

It's just that one of them is Voice class and I feel a little guilty about not practising yesterday. Last week I felt so goo about practising voice everyday last week.

Anyway, it's almost time for my first class. I still haven canceled my appointment for Thursday, but I will.

Thinking about napping...