For Freedom not for Beauty

There have been a few minor changes in my life in the past couple of days, and mostly in my attitude. I have this desire to see myself for who I really am. I have been rejecting my full capabilities for so long and I don’t want to do that anymore. There are so many things that I know I am capable of, if only I commit to actually doing them. And there is nothing like the feeling of meeting one’s own expectations of one’s self. Ahhhh, the satisfaction of a hard days work... it is a feeling I am far to unfamiliar with.

I have been thinking about going natural (as far as my hair is concerned) for a long time. Well, probably just a couple of years, on and off. And by on and off, I mean sporadically with months in between thoughts. Never really considering it, or at least as appropriate for that time in my life. I mean, I felt it was mostly a desire to avoid learning how to do all that requires for me to maintain my relaxed hair.

Truthfully, I do not think I was ever really motivated to learn how to do my hair like that, all straight and smooth. I liked it but it did not last and that was always a thorn in my side. I did not enjoy the responsibilities associated with it. The flat iron scared me and had no abitions to learn to perm my own hair like my mother and sister can. I do not know what that says about me, however, I will state that I have never been really motivated to do ANYTHING, let alone something strange and foreign to me.

So, when I started to thinking about going natural a few days ago, really thinking about it – do not know what prompted it – it’s strange to think, now, that none of this occurred to me. I never questioned what this decision said about me and my ‘laziness’ concerning doing my hair in its current state. I knew what I wanted: to experience me, all of me. Not just with this small thing that is the stuff on my head but also my work and career. I mean, I do not have a career yet, but I want one. I want to do work that is completely mentally and bodily satisfying. And I know what that work is: I want to act. Perform. Sing. I want the whole shebang and I am sick of lying to myself and my own friends and family about it. Tired of being a shamed of my own desired, as if they revealed me to be a weaker person or undeserving of their attention…

I dunno if that’s exactly true… I mean, maybe I am more ashamed of my lack of effort to achieve my goals and think they will look down on me because I have not proven myself or full displayed my talents. Tears come to my eyes as I think about what this claiming of my future means for my own psyche. It seems to mean that from now on, my life is no longer about proving myself – and therefore about winning or losing/showing-off or embarrassing myself – but now it’s about just claiming what is right in front of me.

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It’s an awkward time to realize this: I have mock examinations beginning this week and a few major assignments due. I cannot let myself be discouraged though. I find that happens far too often. I look up and see all the things that I have to do and I become overwhelmed by the sheer amount. And then the self-loathing sets in because I know its all my fault and that I could have been avoided if I only focused my attention on it sooner.

I am a little scared though, I have to admit. I mean, as much as I believe that I can accomplished ALL the things I wish, I also believe in the agony of the effort. It is very real for me. I cry in the middle of writing essays, I yell and throw things. I have ripped up paper and deleted files altogether. And the truth is, I do not want that to be a part of my process anymore. I want to move beyond that. Beyond the Shana that needed everything to be perfect, because it is not a worthy investment and nor is it a practical investment. Part of the reason I avoid work the way I do is because of how painful the process is. The fear of failing, of proving myself unworthy or supremely ignorant. I do not want to do any of that, but at the same time I do not want to be afraid of it either. I have to learn to accept that these things are a part of my life and will ALWAYS be.

*sigh* Well, I’m gonna wrap it up this evening with the poem that this post is named for. Seriously, I thinking I’m going to tattoo these works to me body, SOMEWHERE. Maybe just a token phrase. I’m thinking “Since when is creativity subject to criticism?” What do you think? And where should I get it?

Read it at Chrisette Michele’s website: This is the link to “For Freedom not for Beauty”.
PS. Her hair cut is the one I want. I think it will work with my face and head shape. Wish I had her eyes though...