What does commitment look like?

No seriously. What does it look like? It's that foreign to me. Sometimes I feel committed to something. But those feeling go away so quickly. Perhaps I'm more impulsive that I give myself credit for... I have no self-control.

But there are all these things that I want... Would it kill me to work a little harder to get them?

I spent the entire day in bed today. Woke up only to eat and then I go and have pizza. I feel like as fat pig (not to mention I weighed myself YESTURDAY... Not good. I weigh like 183 pounds. No wonder I'm so slow.)

I'm so scared. Scared I will be fat and unhappy for the rest of my life. for as long as I can remember I have been overweight and unhappy. Buried so deeply under my bad habits that I often feel like I cannot breathe.

Hope is only a dream. I'm so scared to want things. And I don't know why. I haven't faced half as much of the adversity that some people have... Not that I would know very much about that. Nonfiction is so difficult for me to read. I lived most of my life in this fantasy world. Bad things are happening in the world right now. I can't spend my entire life trying to avoid truth.

INFJs are called the Protectors. Part of me feels believes that I don't want to know the truth about the world because of how helpless it will make me feel. I can't help most of the people in he world. I'm exhausted just thinking about trying... Whoa.

My choir prayed for some country that tragedy struck YESTURDAY. I came in late so I don't know where they were talking about, but I'm so disconnected from the world. I should have known anyway. I should be more in touch with International News. My perspective I unique- being from Bermuda and also American - but what good is my perspective if I do not use it to help people and expand their awareness of the world.

I know I want to help people. I just have to get through these last 69 day of Oakwood, doing my best, so I can can go somewhere and actually help people. I do not want to be here. I don't want to get too comfortable here. This is not the real world. People are going to expect more from me the further I go in my education. I cannot act like I am still I high school. That's just stupid, and I'm not stupid.

Claiming My Breakthrough

I started singing for real this week. I don't know what it is but suddenly, as if through osmosis or something (because I defiantly have not been practicing as I should have), I started to sing.

Now I've sang my entire life but not as good as I would have liked. More recently, songs a have been more difficult for me to sing. As you get older and more experienced, more is expected of you - as it should be!

But of course, I am here at Oakwood University to improve my singing skills and to cultivate skills that will support this, ie reading music.

Everyday is a struggle to continue to improve myself. But I am trying. I am not willing to give up -- I want to be great too much.

I Feel Sexy ;D