Counseling: Playtime is Over

I don't know if I'm going to continue with this whole counseling thing.

There are reasons of course. Today was my first difficult session and I had to leave before I really understood anything or was able to explain myself.

I'm not sure if I like the process. You talk intimately about yourself and minutes later you have to leave. There's also the fact that I'm having difficulty really saying what I feel and what I've gone through. I've already put up these blocks of things that I'm never going to tell him. Never. The things that I am talking about are difficult to articulate. I find myself coming up blank, so I start saying things that don't make sense...

I believe he wants to help me... I do. But I don't know if I really want to talk about the problems I have socially like this...

I just... I'd much rather be having these conversations with someone that knows me and wants to be a part of my life. There's this false intimacy between us that really slapped me in the face today when he almost rushed me out of the room to catch the shuttle. This guy is not my friend. I guess there is supposed to be some kind if safety in that, in talking to a stranger. And maybe that was interesting to me at first but I don't want the person who knows me best to be my therapist.

Am I making excuses to avoid going back and dealing with my problems...? Maybe.

Maybe not. Angelina Jolie talked about going to therapy in her interview for Inside The Actors Studio and I've never totally agreed with her. She said she found the process simple, that she did not think there are easy answers.

The latter part I agreed with, but not so much the first. Towards the end though he kept pushing me to justify why I felt I have difficulty in my conversations with people. I got the feeling I gave him the wrong impression, told him that I didn't really talk to people that much. He called me out, told me that if I was isolating myself, how then would I know how people would react to me.

That got me thinking... Maybe saying I didn't really talk to people here was an over simplification. I DO talk to people! There are people here that I care about! I just don't have any close friends here and a part if me wants it that way. I made it very clear from the start that I did not want to be here. Why make friends that I will just have to leave in just 96 days?

But it's more than that. This place, these people, this atmosphere... It reminds of Bermuda Institute. The place where I started to grow apart from all the friends that I'd known all my life, from the people I thought knew me best (who I don't believe even missed me). The place where I started to feel like the freak I am today. The time in my life where I felt so lonely. The most lonely I've ever felt. More than now because at least now I have goals. Now I have friends that I actually do still talk to (via the social network). I didn't have anyone then. Other than Mrs. Hill-Smith, which says something right there. I hung out with a teacher my last year at BI!

How am I supposed to explain all that? How am I supposed to articulate experiences that I don't even remember much of? That last year of BI is a complete blur.

I dunno what to do.