I feel fat :&

Friendships & Acceptance

I should be writing my Research Paper for English (its basically my final exam) but I'm gonna write this first just because I need to get a few things off my chest before I get back to work.
--

Sometimes, and more often recently, I wonder how people come about the life that they live. Like, what motivates them to do certain things. I spend a lot of time in my room; I'm a self-proclaimed hermit. But I am truly beginning to tire of this. Toward the end of my time at Warwick Academy I started to really break out of my comfort zone in a way that I didn't really think about doing in the past. I became frustrated with the monotony of my life and wanted to hang out with my friends more and live life. I had a feeling that coming to Oakwood would set me back, and it has, but maybe I was a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy.

How do people make friends? How do they decide what to do together? I just don't know. I live so much of my life in conversations with myself. I don't always know... well, that's not completely true. I can make friends. I have great friends. Beautiful people. If only I knew them better... 

I'm interested in having deep connections with people and that doesn't always happen right away. It rarely does. Half the time though, I don't know what to do with myself. There's a skating rink here that I have no real interest in going to. At least not by myself. And no one's ever asked me. 

I guess that's part of my problem. I keep waiting for someone to what to be my friend but I don't know if it works like that. That's the way I think about friendships though. I wanna be friends with people that I like and think are interesting. And even if I don't think you're that interesting, than I don't what to be your friend. I'm a little prejudiced, but who isn't?

I also don't like to force myself on someone who doesn't want or like me. Who doesn't think of me when they want to talk to somebody. I have a few 'friends' like that. People whom I love, but I don't really know what they think of me. There is like a wall, erected by them or me, and its separating us. Unfortunately, these are often the most interesting people and the ones that I want to be around!

But back to the question... my life seems to be in park (no pun intended w/ my last name). Just stopped on so many levels. Not improving, not particularly decreasing in quality, just stagnant. Maybe that's what I feel and why people aren't really drawn to me here. People like people who have things going on, who have qualities that you want yourself. If I don't have anything - that they can see - to offer, than why not pursue relationships with people who - you perceive to - have got it going on? 

I'm a needy friend, and I don't like it.

Always looking for love and recognition. I guess that's why performing can be so scary for me. To feel all that rejection being thrown at your face is not easy. It has to be dealt with in the healthy way though. And with a clear mind and realistic expectations. That's key.

I've been told to my find my acceptance in God... but that takes a commitment that I haven't ever given anything in my life before. Its a commitment that I understand in my head will only benefit me, but my relationship with God cannot be self-serving. I have to find a love for God and and I just don't know how to do that. Its a little scary. The Bible is a big book, full of many books and I just don't know where to start. A Pastor once said in church that a new member, or a new person to the faith should start by reading the Psalms & Proverbs.  I've never forgotten that, though I think he only said it once or twice. Maybe that's what I should do... David was a man after God's heart, maybe I should study what he thought about life and relationships. The lessons he learned... He messed up a whole lot so I'm sure he had a lot of great things to say.

---

Old school Gospel. Puts me in a good mental place. Takes me back to my childhood when I was oblivious to responsibilities and the worries of the world. Ahhhhhhh.

Dealing With Resentment

I'm trying to fight a lot of bad feelings inside me. On the one hand, I've been so blessed and I feel like I am exactly where I am supposed to be right now. On the other hand,  I feel less than and not worthy of all the great things that I imagine for myself.

I tell myself that prestige doesn't matter; I just want to go somewhere where I can focus on acting and performing and learn from those around me. I'm not ready to hit the pavement and start running yet - nowhere near! I know that about me... But when you've got friends applying and being accepted to all these prestigious schools (Julliard, Berkeley, etc.) its hard to fight off those feelings of inferiority. Couple that with the fact that these are the people that beat you our for parts in High School!

In High School, while I was playing my supporting  roles, I tried to remind myself that I was good at what I did and to take pride in it. I relished the praise that I got from people because I truly wanted my talent to be recognized. It confirmed all the things that I believed/wanted to believe about my worth as a performer. Whatever the reasons why I didn't get those parts are really irrelevant to me now. I have to look forward and go where I am wanted.

I will say this, though: playing those supporting roles gave my SUCH an appreciation for the ensemble. It is so fulfilling! Looking back, yes, you want the lead role and the attention, but mostly I just wanted to play the most interesting part. I wanted to play a part that would challenge me on some level. And I didn't always have the maturity to play some of those parts...whatever, I can't afford to look back anymore.

And that is hard too. I was on Facebook today and I saw a picture of a girl from my High School (really, I'm only a year out of high school so... a lot of my friends are still there!) and she looked great. I scanned her page and found out that she is auditioning for some really great theatre schools - NYU, RADA, etc - and I felt the green monster start to take over. I'm still trying to fight it down right now. I'm trying to just be happy for her but that's hard too. Yes, I knew her and we were friendly, but I have difficulty calling her my friend. Its the same with my classmates to go to the school I mentioned in paragraph 2: I feel weird calling them my friends. I spent 4 years in the same drama program as them and yet they only feel like acquaintances. I can't recall a real conversation I've had with any of them... nope, none.

I did meet real friends in the theatre community at Warwick Academy: Sydney, Rajai, Mrs. Anna Mathias. People that I want and will keep in touch with (Of course, there are others whom I love but I don't feel totally comfortable, like, dropping them a message on Facebook like we were buddy-buddies). Ironically, these were people whom I mostly worked with off-stage. Mrs. Mathias co-directed a few of the productions and where there as like a reference. Sydney was on the tech team and Rajai only directly participated in Little Shop of Horrors (my first real musical!) as the choreographer and Audrey II. It was his work as the choreographer where we really connected, but that was such a brief bit of time compared to the 4 years I was with the others.

Why do we connect with some people and not others? I dunno, but I cannot just focus on the people I that I think are doing the things that I need to be doing. That's not necessarily true. In fact, if those where the places that I needed to me, God would have placed me there and given me the means to stay there. Sometimes I worry that I lack the ambition or the confidence that I wouldn't even bother to audition for these places. And maybe that is a part of it. I am a little scared to compete with the people that, I felt, were kinda put on a pedestal right in front of me.

But I just don't feel ready. I feel like that at the level that I am now, I would just be rejected - like I was when I auditioned for the Drama Centre in London. (Did I ever mention there was a guy JUST like Rowan there? Yeah, he got a call back while the rest of us packed up and went home. I'm not bitter.)

I don't know how to get rid of these feelings other than, maybe, working hard to become the performer that I want to be. Putting my focus, not on them and their successes, but on the work I have to do to achieve success of my own. Only then can I see myself being free to be TRULY happy for the people in my life. And I want to be happy for them! The people I have mentioned here - by name and by inference - are beautiful people that I would love to be close to. It just didn't happen for some. And that's okay, too.

--

Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail again. Fail better.
Samuel Beckett

What does commitment look like?

No seriously. What does it look like? It's that foreign to me. Sometimes I feel committed to something. But those feeling go away so quickly. Perhaps I'm more impulsive that I give myself credit for... I have no self-control.

But there are all these things that I want... Would it kill me to work a little harder to get them?

I spent the entire day in bed today. Woke up only to eat and then I go and have pizza. I feel like as fat pig (not to mention I weighed myself YESTURDAY... Not good. I weigh like 183 pounds. No wonder I'm so slow.)

I'm so scared. Scared I will be fat and unhappy for the rest of my life. for as long as I can remember I have been overweight and unhappy. Buried so deeply under my bad habits that I often feel like I cannot breathe.

Hope is only a dream. I'm so scared to want things. And I don't know why. I haven't faced half as much of the adversity that some people have... Not that I would know very much about that. Nonfiction is so difficult for me to read. I lived most of my life in this fantasy world. Bad things are happening in the world right now. I can't spend my entire life trying to avoid truth.

INFJs are called the Protectors. Part of me feels believes that I don't want to know the truth about the world because of how helpless it will make me feel. I can't help most of the people in he world. I'm exhausted just thinking about trying... Whoa.

My choir prayed for some country that tragedy struck YESTURDAY. I came in late so I don't know where they were talking about, but I'm so disconnected from the world. I should have known anyway. I should be more in touch with International News. My perspective I unique- being from Bermuda and also American - but what good is my perspective if I do not use it to help people and expand their awareness of the world.

I know I want to help people. I just have to get through these last 69 day of Oakwood, doing my best, so I can can go somewhere and actually help people. I do not want to be here. I don't want to get too comfortable here. This is not the real world. People are going to expect more from me the further I go in my education. I cannot act like I am still I high school. That's just stupid, and I'm not stupid.

Claiming My Breakthrough

I started singing for real this week. I don't know what it is but suddenly, as if through osmosis or something (because I defiantly have not been practicing as I should have), I started to sing.

Now I've sang my entire life but not as good as I would have liked. More recently, songs a have been more difficult for me to sing. As you get older and more experienced, more is expected of you - as it should be!

But of course, I am here at Oakwood University to improve my singing skills and to cultivate skills that will support this, ie reading music.

Everyday is a struggle to continue to improve myself. But I am trying. I am not willing to give up -- I want to be great too much.

I Feel Sexy ;D

Tiredness

I feel so tired. Maybe it's because I worked out yesterday and did not get enough sleep. Thankfully I only have two classes today. Two classes and Glee.

It's just that one of them is Voice class and I feel a little guilty about not practising yesterday. Last week I felt so goo about practising voice everyday last week.

Anyway, it's almost time for my first class. I still haven canceled my appointment for Thursday, but I will.

Thinking about napping...

Counseling: Playtime is Over

I don't know if I'm going to continue with this whole counseling thing.

There are reasons of course. Today was my first difficult session and I had to leave before I really understood anything or was able to explain myself.

I'm not sure if I like the process. You talk intimately about yourself and minutes later you have to leave. There's also the fact that I'm having difficulty really saying what I feel and what I've gone through. I've already put up these blocks of things that I'm never going to tell him. Never. The things that I am talking about are difficult to articulate. I find myself coming up blank, so I start saying things that don't make sense...

I believe he wants to help me... I do. But I don't know if I really want to talk about the problems I have socially like this...

I just... I'd much rather be having these conversations with someone that knows me and wants to be a part of my life. There's this false intimacy between us that really slapped me in the face today when he almost rushed me out of the room to catch the shuttle. This guy is not my friend. I guess there is supposed to be some kind if safety in that, in talking to a stranger. And maybe that was interesting to me at first but I don't want the person who knows me best to be my therapist.

Am I making excuses to avoid going back and dealing with my problems...? Maybe.

Maybe not. Angelina Jolie talked about going to therapy in her interview for Inside The Actors Studio and I've never totally agreed with her. She said she found the process simple, that she did not think there are easy answers.

The latter part I agreed with, but not so much the first. Towards the end though he kept pushing me to justify why I felt I have difficulty in my conversations with people. I got the feeling I gave him the wrong impression, told him that I didn't really talk to people that much. He called me out, told me that if I was isolating myself, how then would I know how people would react to me.

That got me thinking... Maybe saying I didn't really talk to people here was an over simplification. I DO talk to people! There are people here that I care about! I just don't have any close friends here and a part if me wants it that way. I made it very clear from the start that I did not want to be here. Why make friends that I will just have to leave in just 96 days?

But it's more than that. This place, these people, this atmosphere... It reminds of Bermuda Institute. The place where I started to grow apart from all the friends that I'd known all my life, from the people I thought knew me best (who I don't believe even missed me). The place where I started to feel like the freak I am today. The time in my life where I felt so lonely. The most lonely I've ever felt. More than now because at least now I have goals. Now I have friends that I actually do still talk to (via the social network). I didn't have anyone then. Other than Mrs. Hill-Smith, which says something right there. I hung out with a teacher my last year at BI!

How am I supposed to explain all that? How am I supposed to articulate experiences that I don't even remember much of? That last year of BI is a complete blur.

I dunno what to do.

Committing to My Desires: 3 January 2012

I'm tryna sort together my life. I guess there's a lot to think about, but also a lot to be grateful for. Mostly I'm just scared... Scared to really work hard to get the things that I know I really want. What makes
me so special? Why do I feel I have a calling on my life? Why in the world would it work out for me if it doesn't work out for over half of my profession? Doesn't everyone feel like its ment for them? I'm not so unique in that.

There's a level of irony about the show GLEE that has revealed itself to me. Here I this show full of characters that are insecure about their own talent and ability to make it in the industry, while the actors playing them are the minority that their characters long to be. It makes the show no less entertaining; however, it does make me wonder... Maybe I should just try something easier. Something that I know isn't going to push me over the edge. I'm beginning to really grasp how challenging this life is that I have chosen for myself. I'm at a crossroads now that I am about to return Oakwood.

Do I continue with the same bad habits that I have had most of my academic life, or do I develop new, good ones that will help me to achieve my career goals?

Perhaps that phrase 'career goal' is a bit of a stretch. I don't have goals, per say. It's probably more accurate to say that I have an abstract idea of what I want for myself. Short term goals make sense to me, however, long term ones never have. At least not ones that stretch beyond a few years. No one can predict the kind of person they will be in a few years. When I look back I would never have been able to describe the actual life that I had at Warwick Academy. They were life changing years. I'm not too close to them to know that they were. I met so many people whose influence on my will reverberate I'm my behavior for years to come.

I know this. Now I am entering in the adult realm of performance. I have to increase my efforts to the nth degree and although I don't want to study voice specifically, it is important that I take advantage of my opener unities. Attending Oakwood is a gift from God. For whatever reason, it was not time for me to go to Kean or any other university. I'm supposed to be at Oakwood, dealing with the people that I am dealing with now. There are a million reasons why Oakwood is the place where I am supposed to be. The more glaringly obvious one is that I was not ready to really commit to a program. Be vulnerable. Take risks. True this isn't the program that I want to do. But can I truly say that I gave it a try?

Either way, I cannot anything that I did this past semester. I cannot truly say whether I would. I needed that time. I needed to almost fail. I needed a little fire under my belly.

--

Why will this semester be any different than the last one?

--

My father just told me that he's not worried about whether or not I will be successful in my career. I was showing him a 'Seth Rudetsky Decinstructs' video on YouTube, and he comment that even though he doesn't know much about the guy, he can see that he carved out a niche for himself in the industry that he loved. He said that that is why he is not worried about me. Whatever I do, I will carve out a niche for myself.

I guess that kinda explains how I feel about where my career is headed. I have these desires to be a part of the theatre community. To be an actress and a singer. These desires do not feel very far away. They feel very accessible, tangible. Like all I have to do is just commit to it and then a path will be illuminated as I go. God promised it.

"Move On" at Ravinia Festival. 2010.

Death in the Family

One of my oldest and best friends died on Sunday... or was it Saturday? I dunno.  I found out about it on Sunday. I was at my Auntie's house and she was checking her Facebook account, of all things. Or maybe she fount out first from her BB Messenger account, she said that that was how she found out who had died... Either way, she came into her living, where I was watching 'Never Let Me Go' with her daughter, her husband and my mother, and told us point blank what had happened. 



They couldn't get the name out at first, or they couldn't get it right. We know a Vershon and a Vashon. Two very different people, especially in their relationship to me. Vershon is by best friend; Vashon is a guy that I'm cool with but basically we just went to the same school together. They, at least name wise, have often been mixed up in the past. 



My Aunt said Vershon. My sister said Vash. I prayed desperately in the seconds that they sorted it out that it was Vash. I hate to say it. But... it is what I did.



When she said Vershon Simmons, I knew they were talking about my friend. It took a few seconds to register, but then it started to sink in. I cried. Quietly. I recognize now that I was holding back. I don't like to cry especially in public; I don't like being vulnerable in front of people. Which is ironic because I want to be an actor, which is all about being vulnerable in front of people. I eventually stopped crying, however, that was just the first of three bouts of crying that night. It didn't help that at the time I was watching a film about losing those close to you or the inevitability of loosing someone sooner than you think you should. I'm trying to remember where in the film I was told about Vershon... the film in that area is a blank to me. All I remember is that it was before she scene where Ruth tells Kathy and Tommy that she came between them all those years ago... maybe even before Kathy becomes a carer. 


That film is now forever linked to my memories of Vershon. I have to get in on DVD now.



---


I realize a day later, that I don't really believe it yet. It all feels like a cruel joke. 


Some friend at school were talking about how this girl kept posting 'RIP Vershun' on her wall over and over again and then had to correct herself afterward. 


It was the first time I told someone outside of my circle that he was my best friend. They said his name and I actually thought: 'Why do people keep saying he's dead. He's not dead.'


What are the stages of grief?

1. - Shock or Disbelief
2. - Denial
3. - Anger
4. - Bargaining
5. - Guilt
6. - Depression
7. - Acceptance and Hope

[Source: http://www.proactivechange.com/grief/stages.htm]

Based on this, I'd say I'm right on track. Even if its is an 'Emotionless Train' track.


---



Please read: “I’M RIDING THIS EMOTIONLESS TRAIN AS FAR AS IT WILL GO.”  by becomingjennie. 


She is a huge inspiration for me right now, and as I read this post aloud, I couldn't help but ball my eyes out. Everything she says rings true for me. There are so many things that we have in common, despite all the things that are different about us. 

Mis-truths and Half-Truths

Sometimes I get so caught up in wanting to looking perfect and good and worth-while, that I can forget that everyone else feels the same way. I mean, I understand that everyone else is insecure in some way - I can compute it. But it doesn't always translate in to true understanding, and true understanding always constitutes action. Always. If we do not act on what we think we believe then we don't really believe it.

Take my faith, for example. I've been a practicing Seventh-Day Adventist all of my life. The ideology of this religion is so ingrained in my system, that I don't even know where to begin to explain it. Bible was a core subject at my old school. Its possible that if you failed Bible, you could be held back a year. It's a system I just accepted - although quite frankly Bible was such an easy class to pass, if you failed it you probably deserved to stay back!

However, as I grow older I have found that I can just accept the things I was taught in that class at face value. I've been struggling in my faith for a long time. I refuse to give up on it, but I can't say that I am working on strengthening it.

I think it is the mistrust and the confusion that really prevents me from acting. I am scared of what I might discover. That the one thing that has been constant throughout my life is a lie. Suddenly, I can sympathize with all the people who discovered something similar for themselves after years and years of dedication. And not necessarily their faith. It could have been their marriage, their career, their sexual orientation. Anything really! Anything you held on to for so long, and then suddenly realized that it just was not true. Or that you never really believed it in the first place.

The Art of Acting... no, the Auditions of Acting

Stella Adler said once that "the theatre was created to tell people the truth about life and the social situation." (BrainyQuote.com)

This is a quote I am using in my Theory of Knowledge essay. The essay discusses the truth as it relates to art. When I first read the initial question, I knew it was the one for me. It gives me so much freedom. I could justify Hitler dressed as Jesus in a play if I really tried (*blank face* I wouldn't).

But thats not really what I aim to do with it. To me, the essay is more about investigating the worth of theatre to me and whether or not I should press forward with my own desires to be an actor. I've spent so much of my time, ignoring these desires, or rather ignoring the pursuit of them. I'd say its about time I actually invested time into it. Even when I'm working on my improv skills in class or at an audition, I get this sense that I'm holding back, scared.

--

I have an audition on Friday @ 7.20. I just found out about it yesterday. Well.... that's not true. It was confirmed yesterday, with my name lined up next to other names. I was expecting the email, was even checking my inbox to see if it was there.

Somehow, though, when it was there in black and white, I wasn't ready. I have to perform a contemporary monologue and a song of my choice, but its not a musical. The G&S Society of Bermuda is putting on a production of the play 'Animal Farm' and apparently there's a little bit of singing in it. The G&S productions here always have singing in them. In fact, the first play they ever put on was 'History Boys' last year - I was stage manager of that. But even 'History Boys' has singing it it.

I'm not that worried about being cast. I'm pretty confident I will be. The director of 'History Boys' is returning, and I think I have an in because he knows me and my work ethic. If I do get cast, it will be my first time ever performing in a G&S production. I've auditioned for the last two years for their musicals - even getting a call back for the last one. However, it just wasn't right. Marjorie Stanton, the president of the G&S Society of Bermuda called both times to tell me that it wasn't going to work out. She even, the last time, complimented me on my efforts with 'History Boys'. She's a class act.

This time is different. I really want to do this and I know that I'm full capable. I didn't feel that the last two times. For the first audition I was totally out of place: they didn't know me and I wasn't comfortable with that. It was for 'Oliver!' and I sang 'As Long as He Needs Me'. Like I was going to be cast as Nancy! Ha! Clearly, it was the wrong song and butchered it. Ended up singing 'Happy Birthday' like all the little kids. I was 16! Embarrassing!

The second time I was a much more confident and relaxed. The show was also more appropriate for me: 'Best Little Whorehouse in Texas'. Yeeehawww! But I screwed up with my song choice there too. I sang 'Cute Boys With Short Haircuts' from 'Vanities, The Musical', which is way too much for me - can't hit all those high notes yet. And I had just started learning it too. So I got in there and messed up the words. I tried to make up for it with my acting, and I even made the director laugh. That was exciting. The first time an auditioner has ever showed any spontaneous response to what I was doing in front of them. And laughter too! Wow. It was great.

I kinda messed it up on the call-back though. Didn't leave enough of an impression. Or maybe not the right kind of one. I was funny during the dancing: pushed up my boobs during the "nothing dirty's going on line" of 'Little Bitty Pissant Country Place'. But I fell flat on the acting portion. Rushed through my lines and played the comic beats instead of just letting them happen. Comedy is not my strong suit. *pout*

This time is different. Its a play. I'm dying to be a part of a play again! Also its a contemporary play too and I haven't acted in a contemporary play yet. At least for a paying audience.

This should be fun.

--

If I'm well prepared, auditions are actually fun for me. It's the stress before and after that's really annoying.

Any wannabe actors reading this ought to check out Stella Adler's book "The Art of Acting". I have it and although I haven't finished it yet, its a great read for anyone who wants to take the craft seriously.

For Freedom not for Beauty

There have been a few minor changes in my life in the past couple of days, and mostly in my attitude. I have this desire to see myself for who I really am. I have been rejecting my full capabilities for so long and I don’t want to do that anymore. There are so many things that I know I am capable of, if only I commit to actually doing them. And there is nothing like the feeling of meeting one’s own expectations of one’s self. Ahhhh, the satisfaction of a hard days work... it is a feeling I am far to unfamiliar with.

I have been thinking about going natural (as far as my hair is concerned) for a long time. Well, probably just a couple of years, on and off. And by on and off, I mean sporadically with months in between thoughts. Never really considering it, or at least as appropriate for that time in my life. I mean, I felt it was mostly a desire to avoid learning how to do all that requires for me to maintain my relaxed hair.

Truthfully, I do not think I was ever really motivated to learn how to do my hair like that, all straight and smooth. I liked it but it did not last and that was always a thorn in my side. I did not enjoy the responsibilities associated with it. The flat iron scared me and had no abitions to learn to perm my own hair like my mother and sister can. I do not know what that says about me, however, I will state that I have never been really motivated to do ANYTHING, let alone something strange and foreign to me.

So, when I started to thinking about going natural a few days ago, really thinking about it – do not know what prompted it – it’s strange to think, now, that none of this occurred to me. I never questioned what this decision said about me and my ‘laziness’ concerning doing my hair in its current state. I knew what I wanted: to experience me, all of me. Not just with this small thing that is the stuff on my head but also my work and career. I mean, I do not have a career yet, but I want one. I want to do work that is completely mentally and bodily satisfying. And I know what that work is: I want to act. Perform. Sing. I want the whole shebang and I am sick of lying to myself and my own friends and family about it. Tired of being a shamed of my own desired, as if they revealed me to be a weaker person or undeserving of their attention…

I dunno if that’s exactly true… I mean, maybe I am more ashamed of my lack of effort to achieve my goals and think they will look down on me because I have not proven myself or full displayed my talents. Tears come to my eyes as I think about what this claiming of my future means for my own psyche. It seems to mean that from now on, my life is no longer about proving myself – and therefore about winning or losing/showing-off or embarrassing myself – but now it’s about just claiming what is right in front of me.

--

It’s an awkward time to realize this: I have mock examinations beginning this week and a few major assignments due. I cannot let myself be discouraged though. I find that happens far too often. I look up and see all the things that I have to do and I become overwhelmed by the sheer amount. And then the self-loathing sets in because I know its all my fault and that I could have been avoided if I only focused my attention on it sooner.

I am a little scared though, I have to admit. I mean, as much as I believe that I can accomplished ALL the things I wish, I also believe in the agony of the effort. It is very real for me. I cry in the middle of writing essays, I yell and throw things. I have ripped up paper and deleted files altogether. And the truth is, I do not want that to be a part of my process anymore. I want to move beyond that. Beyond the Shana that needed everything to be perfect, because it is not a worthy investment and nor is it a practical investment. Part of the reason I avoid work the way I do is because of how painful the process is. The fear of failing, of proving myself unworthy or supremely ignorant. I do not want to do any of that, but at the same time I do not want to be afraid of it either. I have to learn to accept that these things are a part of my life and will ALWAYS be.

*sigh* Well, I’m gonna wrap it up this evening with the poem that this post is named for. Seriously, I thinking I’m going to tattoo these works to me body, SOMEWHERE. Maybe just a token phrase. I’m thinking “Since when is creativity subject to criticism?” What do you think? And where should I get it?

Read it at Chrisette Michele’s website: This is the link to “For Freedom not for Beauty”.
PS. Her hair cut is the one I want. I think it will work with my face and head shape. Wish I had her eyes though...