Friendships & Acceptance

I should be writing my Research Paper for English (its basically my final exam) but I'm gonna write this first just because I need to get a few things off my chest before I get back to work.
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Sometimes, and more often recently, I wonder how people come about the life that they live. Like, what motivates them to do certain things. I spend a lot of time in my room; I'm a self-proclaimed hermit. But I am truly beginning to tire of this. Toward the end of my time at Warwick Academy I started to really break out of my comfort zone in a way that I didn't really think about doing in the past. I became frustrated with the monotony of my life and wanted to hang out with my friends more and live life. I had a feeling that coming to Oakwood would set me back, and it has, but maybe I was a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy.

How do people make friends? How do they decide what to do together? I just don't know. I live so much of my life in conversations with myself. I don't always know... well, that's not completely true. I can make friends. I have great friends. Beautiful people. If only I knew them better... 

I'm interested in having deep connections with people and that doesn't always happen right away. It rarely does. Half the time though, I don't know what to do with myself. There's a skating rink here that I have no real interest in going to. At least not by myself. And no one's ever asked me. 

I guess that's part of my problem. I keep waiting for someone to what to be my friend but I don't know if it works like that. That's the way I think about friendships though. I wanna be friends with people that I like and think are interesting. And even if I don't think you're that interesting, than I don't what to be your friend. I'm a little prejudiced, but who isn't?

I also don't like to force myself on someone who doesn't want or like me. Who doesn't think of me when they want to talk to somebody. I have a few 'friends' like that. People whom I love, but I don't really know what they think of me. There is like a wall, erected by them or me, and its separating us. Unfortunately, these are often the most interesting people and the ones that I want to be around!

But back to the question... my life seems to be in park (no pun intended w/ my last name). Just stopped on so many levels. Not improving, not particularly decreasing in quality, just stagnant. Maybe that's what I feel and why people aren't really drawn to me here. People like people who have things going on, who have qualities that you want yourself. If I don't have anything - that they can see - to offer, than why not pursue relationships with people who - you perceive to - have got it going on? 

I'm a needy friend, and I don't like it.

Always looking for love and recognition. I guess that's why performing can be so scary for me. To feel all that rejection being thrown at your face is not easy. It has to be dealt with in the healthy way though. And with a clear mind and realistic expectations. That's key.

I've been told to my find my acceptance in God... but that takes a commitment that I haven't ever given anything in my life before. Its a commitment that I understand in my head will only benefit me, but my relationship with God cannot be self-serving. I have to find a love for God and and I just don't know how to do that. Its a little scary. The Bible is a big book, full of many books and I just don't know where to start. A Pastor once said in church that a new member, or a new person to the faith should start by reading the Psalms & Proverbs.  I've never forgotten that, though I think he only said it once or twice. Maybe that's what I should do... David was a man after God's heart, maybe I should study what he thought about life and relationships. The lessons he learned... He messed up a whole lot so I'm sure he had a lot of great things to say.

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Old school Gospel. Puts me in a good mental place. Takes me back to my childhood when I was oblivious to responsibilities and the worries of the world. Ahhhhhhh.

Counseling: Playtime is Over

I don't know if I'm going to continue with this whole counseling thing.

There are reasons of course. Today was my first difficult session and I had to leave before I really understood anything or was able to explain myself.

I'm not sure if I like the process. You talk intimately about yourself and minutes later you have to leave. There's also the fact that I'm having difficulty really saying what I feel and what I've gone through. I've already put up these blocks of things that I'm never going to tell him. Never. The things that I am talking about are difficult to articulate. I find myself coming up blank, so I start saying things that don't make sense...

I believe he wants to help me... I do. But I don't know if I really want to talk about the problems I have socially like this...

I just... I'd much rather be having these conversations with someone that knows me and wants to be a part of my life. There's this false intimacy between us that really slapped me in the face today when he almost rushed me out of the room to catch the shuttle. This guy is not my friend. I guess there is supposed to be some kind if safety in that, in talking to a stranger. And maybe that was interesting to me at first but I don't want the person who knows me best to be my therapist.

Am I making excuses to avoid going back and dealing with my problems...? Maybe.

Maybe not. Angelina Jolie talked about going to therapy in her interview for Inside The Actors Studio and I've never totally agreed with her. She said she found the process simple, that she did not think there are easy answers.

The latter part I agreed with, but not so much the first. Towards the end though he kept pushing me to justify why I felt I have difficulty in my conversations with people. I got the feeling I gave him the wrong impression, told him that I didn't really talk to people that much. He called me out, told me that if I was isolating myself, how then would I know how people would react to me.

That got me thinking... Maybe saying I didn't really talk to people here was an over simplification. I DO talk to people! There are people here that I care about! I just don't have any close friends here and a part if me wants it that way. I made it very clear from the start that I did not want to be here. Why make friends that I will just have to leave in just 96 days?

But it's more than that. This place, these people, this atmosphere... It reminds of Bermuda Institute. The place where I started to grow apart from all the friends that I'd known all my life, from the people I thought knew me best (who I don't believe even missed me). The place where I started to feel like the freak I am today. The time in my life where I felt so lonely. The most lonely I've ever felt. More than now because at least now I have goals. Now I have friends that I actually do still talk to (via the social network). I didn't have anyone then. Other than Mrs. Hill-Smith, which says something right there. I hung out with a teacher my last year at BI!

How am I supposed to explain all that? How am I supposed to articulate experiences that I don't even remember much of? That last year of BI is a complete blur.

I dunno what to do.

For Freedom not for Beauty

There have been a few minor changes in my life in the past couple of days, and mostly in my attitude. I have this desire to see myself for who I really am. I have been rejecting my full capabilities for so long and I don’t want to do that anymore. There are so many things that I know I am capable of, if only I commit to actually doing them. And there is nothing like the feeling of meeting one’s own expectations of one’s self. Ahhhh, the satisfaction of a hard days work... it is a feeling I am far to unfamiliar with.

I have been thinking about going natural (as far as my hair is concerned) for a long time. Well, probably just a couple of years, on and off. And by on and off, I mean sporadically with months in between thoughts. Never really considering it, or at least as appropriate for that time in my life. I mean, I felt it was mostly a desire to avoid learning how to do all that requires for me to maintain my relaxed hair.

Truthfully, I do not think I was ever really motivated to learn how to do my hair like that, all straight and smooth. I liked it but it did not last and that was always a thorn in my side. I did not enjoy the responsibilities associated with it. The flat iron scared me and had no abitions to learn to perm my own hair like my mother and sister can. I do not know what that says about me, however, I will state that I have never been really motivated to do ANYTHING, let alone something strange and foreign to me.

So, when I started to thinking about going natural a few days ago, really thinking about it – do not know what prompted it – it’s strange to think, now, that none of this occurred to me. I never questioned what this decision said about me and my ‘laziness’ concerning doing my hair in its current state. I knew what I wanted: to experience me, all of me. Not just with this small thing that is the stuff on my head but also my work and career. I mean, I do not have a career yet, but I want one. I want to do work that is completely mentally and bodily satisfying. And I know what that work is: I want to act. Perform. Sing. I want the whole shebang and I am sick of lying to myself and my own friends and family about it. Tired of being a shamed of my own desired, as if they revealed me to be a weaker person or undeserving of their attention…

I dunno if that’s exactly true… I mean, maybe I am more ashamed of my lack of effort to achieve my goals and think they will look down on me because I have not proven myself or full displayed my talents. Tears come to my eyes as I think about what this claiming of my future means for my own psyche. It seems to mean that from now on, my life is no longer about proving myself – and therefore about winning or losing/showing-off or embarrassing myself – but now it’s about just claiming what is right in front of me.

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It’s an awkward time to realize this: I have mock examinations beginning this week and a few major assignments due. I cannot let myself be discouraged though. I find that happens far too often. I look up and see all the things that I have to do and I become overwhelmed by the sheer amount. And then the self-loathing sets in because I know its all my fault and that I could have been avoided if I only focused my attention on it sooner.

I am a little scared though, I have to admit. I mean, as much as I believe that I can accomplished ALL the things I wish, I also believe in the agony of the effort. It is very real for me. I cry in the middle of writing essays, I yell and throw things. I have ripped up paper and deleted files altogether. And the truth is, I do not want that to be a part of my process anymore. I want to move beyond that. Beyond the Shana that needed everything to be perfect, because it is not a worthy investment and nor is it a practical investment. Part of the reason I avoid work the way I do is because of how painful the process is. The fear of failing, of proving myself unworthy or supremely ignorant. I do not want to do any of that, but at the same time I do not want to be afraid of it either. I have to learn to accept that these things are a part of my life and will ALWAYS be.

*sigh* Well, I’m gonna wrap it up this evening with the poem that this post is named for. Seriously, I thinking I’m going to tattoo these works to me body, SOMEWHERE. Maybe just a token phrase. I’m thinking “Since when is creativity subject to criticism?” What do you think? And where should I get it?

Read it at Chrisette Michele’s website: This is the link to “For Freedom not for Beauty”.
PS. Her hair cut is the one I want. I think it will work with my face and head shape. Wish I had her eyes though...