Dealing With Resentment

I'm trying to fight a lot of bad feelings inside me. On the one hand, I've been so blessed and I feel like I am exactly where I am supposed to be right now. On the other hand,  I feel less than and not worthy of all the great things that I imagine for myself.

I tell myself that prestige doesn't matter; I just want to go somewhere where I can focus on acting and performing and learn from those around me. I'm not ready to hit the pavement and start running yet - nowhere near! I know that about me... But when you've got friends applying and being accepted to all these prestigious schools (Julliard, Berkeley, etc.) its hard to fight off those feelings of inferiority. Couple that with the fact that these are the people that beat you our for parts in High School!

In High School, while I was playing my supporting  roles, I tried to remind myself that I was good at what I did and to take pride in it. I relished the praise that I got from people because I truly wanted my talent to be recognized. It confirmed all the things that I believed/wanted to believe about my worth as a performer. Whatever the reasons why I didn't get those parts are really irrelevant to me now. I have to look forward and go where I am wanted.

I will say this, though: playing those supporting roles gave my SUCH an appreciation for the ensemble. It is so fulfilling! Looking back, yes, you want the lead role and the attention, but mostly I just wanted to play the most interesting part. I wanted to play a part that would challenge me on some level. And I didn't always have the maturity to play some of those parts...whatever, I can't afford to look back anymore.

And that is hard too. I was on Facebook today and I saw a picture of a girl from my High School (really, I'm only a year out of high school so... a lot of my friends are still there!) and she looked great. I scanned her page and found out that she is auditioning for some really great theatre schools - NYU, RADA, etc - and I felt the green monster start to take over. I'm still trying to fight it down right now. I'm trying to just be happy for her but that's hard too. Yes, I knew her and we were friendly, but I have difficulty calling her my friend. Its the same with my classmates to go to the school I mentioned in paragraph 2: I feel weird calling them my friends. I spent 4 years in the same drama program as them and yet they only feel like acquaintances. I can't recall a real conversation I've had with any of them... nope, none.

I did meet real friends in the theatre community at Warwick Academy: Sydney, Rajai, Mrs. Anna Mathias. People that I want and will keep in touch with (Of course, there are others whom I love but I don't feel totally comfortable, like, dropping them a message on Facebook like we were buddy-buddies). Ironically, these were people whom I mostly worked with off-stage. Mrs. Mathias co-directed a few of the productions and where there as like a reference. Sydney was on the tech team and Rajai only directly participated in Little Shop of Horrors (my first real musical!) as the choreographer and Audrey II. It was his work as the choreographer where we really connected, but that was such a brief bit of time compared to the 4 years I was with the others.

Why do we connect with some people and not others? I dunno, but I cannot just focus on the people I that I think are doing the things that I need to be doing. That's not necessarily true. In fact, if those where the places that I needed to me, God would have placed me there and given me the means to stay there. Sometimes I worry that I lack the ambition or the confidence that I wouldn't even bother to audition for these places. And maybe that is a part of it. I am a little scared to compete with the people that, I felt, were kinda put on a pedestal right in front of me.

But I just don't feel ready. I feel like that at the level that I am now, I would just be rejected - like I was when I auditioned for the Drama Centre in London. (Did I ever mention there was a guy JUST like Rowan there? Yeah, he got a call back while the rest of us packed up and went home. I'm not bitter.)

I don't know how to get rid of these feelings other than, maybe, working hard to become the performer that I want to be. Putting my focus, not on them and their successes, but on the work I have to do to achieve success of my own. Only then can I see myself being free to be TRULY happy for the people in my life. And I want to be happy for them! The people I have mentioned here - by name and by inference - are beautiful people that I would love to be close to. It just didn't happen for some. And that's okay, too.

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Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail again. Fail better.
Samuel Beckett

Committing to My Desires: 3 January 2012

I'm tryna sort together my life. I guess there's a lot to think about, but also a lot to be grateful for. Mostly I'm just scared... Scared to really work hard to get the things that I know I really want. What makes
me so special? Why do I feel I have a calling on my life? Why in the world would it work out for me if it doesn't work out for over half of my profession? Doesn't everyone feel like its ment for them? I'm not so unique in that.

There's a level of irony about the show GLEE that has revealed itself to me. Here I this show full of characters that are insecure about their own talent and ability to make it in the industry, while the actors playing them are the minority that their characters long to be. It makes the show no less entertaining; however, it does make me wonder... Maybe I should just try something easier. Something that I know isn't going to push me over the edge. I'm beginning to really grasp how challenging this life is that I have chosen for myself. I'm at a crossroads now that I am about to return Oakwood.

Do I continue with the same bad habits that I have had most of my academic life, or do I develop new, good ones that will help me to achieve my career goals?

Perhaps that phrase 'career goal' is a bit of a stretch. I don't have goals, per say. It's probably more accurate to say that I have an abstract idea of what I want for myself. Short term goals make sense to me, however, long term ones never have. At least not ones that stretch beyond a few years. No one can predict the kind of person they will be in a few years. When I look back I would never have been able to describe the actual life that I had at Warwick Academy. They were life changing years. I'm not too close to them to know that they were. I met so many people whose influence on my will reverberate I'm my behavior for years to come.

I know this. Now I am entering in the adult realm of performance. I have to increase my efforts to the nth degree and although I don't want to study voice specifically, it is important that I take advantage of my opener unities. Attending Oakwood is a gift from God. For whatever reason, it was not time for me to go to Kean or any other university. I'm supposed to be at Oakwood, dealing with the people that I am dealing with now. There are a million reasons why Oakwood is the place where I am supposed to be. The more glaringly obvious one is that I was not ready to really commit to a program. Be vulnerable. Take risks. True this isn't the program that I want to do. But can I truly say that I gave it a try?

Either way, I cannot anything that I did this past semester. I cannot truly say whether I would. I needed that time. I needed to almost fail. I needed a little fire under my belly.

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Why will this semester be any different than the last one?

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My father just told me that he's not worried about whether or not I will be successful in my career. I was showing him a 'Seth Rudetsky Decinstructs' video on YouTube, and he comment that even though he doesn't know much about the guy, he can see that he carved out a niche for himself in the industry that he loved. He said that that is why he is not worried about me. Whatever I do, I will carve out a niche for myself.

I guess that kinda explains how I feel about where my career is headed. I have these desires to be a part of the theatre community. To be an actress and a singer. These desires do not feel very far away. They feel very accessible, tangible. Like all I have to do is just commit to it and then a path will be illuminated as I go. God promised it.