Dealing With Resentment

I'm trying to fight a lot of bad feelings inside me. On the one hand, I've been so blessed and I feel like I am exactly where I am supposed to be right now. On the other hand,  I feel less than and not worthy of all the great things that I imagine for myself.

I tell myself that prestige doesn't matter; I just want to go somewhere where I can focus on acting and performing and learn from those around me. I'm not ready to hit the pavement and start running yet - nowhere near! I know that about me... But when you've got friends applying and being accepted to all these prestigious schools (Julliard, Berkeley, etc.) its hard to fight off those feelings of inferiority. Couple that with the fact that these are the people that beat you our for parts in High School!

In High School, while I was playing my supporting  roles, I tried to remind myself that I was good at what I did and to take pride in it. I relished the praise that I got from people because I truly wanted my talent to be recognized. It confirmed all the things that I believed/wanted to believe about my worth as a performer. Whatever the reasons why I didn't get those parts are really irrelevant to me now. I have to look forward and go where I am wanted.

I will say this, though: playing those supporting roles gave my SUCH an appreciation for the ensemble. It is so fulfilling! Looking back, yes, you want the lead role and the attention, but mostly I just wanted to play the most interesting part. I wanted to play a part that would challenge me on some level. And I didn't always have the maturity to play some of those parts...whatever, I can't afford to look back anymore.

And that is hard too. I was on Facebook today and I saw a picture of a girl from my High School (really, I'm only a year out of high school so... a lot of my friends are still there!) and she looked great. I scanned her page and found out that she is auditioning for some really great theatre schools - NYU, RADA, etc - and I felt the green monster start to take over. I'm still trying to fight it down right now. I'm trying to just be happy for her but that's hard too. Yes, I knew her and we were friendly, but I have difficulty calling her my friend. Its the same with my classmates to go to the school I mentioned in paragraph 2: I feel weird calling them my friends. I spent 4 years in the same drama program as them and yet they only feel like acquaintances. I can't recall a real conversation I've had with any of them... nope, none.

I did meet real friends in the theatre community at Warwick Academy: Sydney, Rajai, Mrs. Anna Mathias. People that I want and will keep in touch with (Of course, there are others whom I love but I don't feel totally comfortable, like, dropping them a message on Facebook like we were buddy-buddies). Ironically, these were people whom I mostly worked with off-stage. Mrs. Mathias co-directed a few of the productions and where there as like a reference. Sydney was on the tech team and Rajai only directly participated in Little Shop of Horrors (my first real musical!) as the choreographer and Audrey II. It was his work as the choreographer where we really connected, but that was such a brief bit of time compared to the 4 years I was with the others.

Why do we connect with some people and not others? I dunno, but I cannot just focus on the people I that I think are doing the things that I need to be doing. That's not necessarily true. In fact, if those where the places that I needed to me, God would have placed me there and given me the means to stay there. Sometimes I worry that I lack the ambition or the confidence that I wouldn't even bother to audition for these places. And maybe that is a part of it. I am a little scared to compete with the people that, I felt, were kinda put on a pedestal right in front of me.

But I just don't feel ready. I feel like that at the level that I am now, I would just be rejected - like I was when I auditioned for the Drama Centre in London. (Did I ever mention there was a guy JUST like Rowan there? Yeah, he got a call back while the rest of us packed up and went home. I'm not bitter.)

I don't know how to get rid of these feelings other than, maybe, working hard to become the performer that I want to be. Putting my focus, not on them and their successes, but on the work I have to do to achieve success of my own. Only then can I see myself being free to be TRULY happy for the people in my life. And I want to be happy for them! The people I have mentioned here - by name and by inference - are beautiful people that I would love to be close to. It just didn't happen for some. And that's okay, too.

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Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail again. Fail better.
Samuel Beckett

For Freedom not for Beauty

There have been a few minor changes in my life in the past couple of days, and mostly in my attitude. I have this desire to see myself for who I really am. I have been rejecting my full capabilities for so long and I don’t want to do that anymore. There are so many things that I know I am capable of, if only I commit to actually doing them. And there is nothing like the feeling of meeting one’s own expectations of one’s self. Ahhhh, the satisfaction of a hard days work... it is a feeling I am far to unfamiliar with.

I have been thinking about going natural (as far as my hair is concerned) for a long time. Well, probably just a couple of years, on and off. And by on and off, I mean sporadically with months in between thoughts. Never really considering it, or at least as appropriate for that time in my life. I mean, I felt it was mostly a desire to avoid learning how to do all that requires for me to maintain my relaxed hair.

Truthfully, I do not think I was ever really motivated to learn how to do my hair like that, all straight and smooth. I liked it but it did not last and that was always a thorn in my side. I did not enjoy the responsibilities associated with it. The flat iron scared me and had no abitions to learn to perm my own hair like my mother and sister can. I do not know what that says about me, however, I will state that I have never been really motivated to do ANYTHING, let alone something strange and foreign to me.

So, when I started to thinking about going natural a few days ago, really thinking about it – do not know what prompted it – it’s strange to think, now, that none of this occurred to me. I never questioned what this decision said about me and my ‘laziness’ concerning doing my hair in its current state. I knew what I wanted: to experience me, all of me. Not just with this small thing that is the stuff on my head but also my work and career. I mean, I do not have a career yet, but I want one. I want to do work that is completely mentally and bodily satisfying. And I know what that work is: I want to act. Perform. Sing. I want the whole shebang and I am sick of lying to myself and my own friends and family about it. Tired of being a shamed of my own desired, as if they revealed me to be a weaker person or undeserving of their attention…

I dunno if that’s exactly true… I mean, maybe I am more ashamed of my lack of effort to achieve my goals and think they will look down on me because I have not proven myself or full displayed my talents. Tears come to my eyes as I think about what this claiming of my future means for my own psyche. It seems to mean that from now on, my life is no longer about proving myself – and therefore about winning or losing/showing-off or embarrassing myself – but now it’s about just claiming what is right in front of me.

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It’s an awkward time to realize this: I have mock examinations beginning this week and a few major assignments due. I cannot let myself be discouraged though. I find that happens far too often. I look up and see all the things that I have to do and I become overwhelmed by the sheer amount. And then the self-loathing sets in because I know its all my fault and that I could have been avoided if I only focused my attention on it sooner.

I am a little scared though, I have to admit. I mean, as much as I believe that I can accomplished ALL the things I wish, I also believe in the agony of the effort. It is very real for me. I cry in the middle of writing essays, I yell and throw things. I have ripped up paper and deleted files altogether. And the truth is, I do not want that to be a part of my process anymore. I want to move beyond that. Beyond the Shana that needed everything to be perfect, because it is not a worthy investment and nor is it a practical investment. Part of the reason I avoid work the way I do is because of how painful the process is. The fear of failing, of proving myself unworthy or supremely ignorant. I do not want to do any of that, but at the same time I do not want to be afraid of it either. I have to learn to accept that these things are a part of my life and will ALWAYS be.

*sigh* Well, I’m gonna wrap it up this evening with the poem that this post is named for. Seriously, I thinking I’m going to tattoo these works to me body, SOMEWHERE. Maybe just a token phrase. I’m thinking “Since when is creativity subject to criticism?” What do you think? And where should I get it?

Read it at Chrisette Michele’s website: This is the link to “For Freedom not for Beauty”.
PS. Her hair cut is the one I want. I think it will work with my face and head shape. Wish I had her eyes though...