Friendships & Acceptance

I should be writing my Research Paper for English (its basically my final exam) but I'm gonna write this first just because I need to get a few things off my chest before I get back to work.
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Sometimes, and more often recently, I wonder how people come about the life that they live. Like, what motivates them to do certain things. I spend a lot of time in my room; I'm a self-proclaimed hermit. But I am truly beginning to tire of this. Toward the end of my time at Warwick Academy I started to really break out of my comfort zone in a way that I didn't really think about doing in the past. I became frustrated with the monotony of my life and wanted to hang out with my friends more and live life. I had a feeling that coming to Oakwood would set me back, and it has, but maybe I was a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy.

How do people make friends? How do they decide what to do together? I just don't know. I live so much of my life in conversations with myself. I don't always know... well, that's not completely true. I can make friends. I have great friends. Beautiful people. If only I knew them better... 

I'm interested in having deep connections with people and that doesn't always happen right away. It rarely does. Half the time though, I don't know what to do with myself. There's a skating rink here that I have no real interest in going to. At least not by myself. And no one's ever asked me. 

I guess that's part of my problem. I keep waiting for someone to what to be my friend but I don't know if it works like that. That's the way I think about friendships though. I wanna be friends with people that I like and think are interesting. And even if I don't think you're that interesting, than I don't what to be your friend. I'm a little prejudiced, but who isn't?

I also don't like to force myself on someone who doesn't want or like me. Who doesn't think of me when they want to talk to somebody. I have a few 'friends' like that. People whom I love, but I don't really know what they think of me. There is like a wall, erected by them or me, and its separating us. Unfortunately, these are often the most interesting people and the ones that I want to be around!

But back to the question... my life seems to be in park (no pun intended w/ my last name). Just stopped on so many levels. Not improving, not particularly decreasing in quality, just stagnant. Maybe that's what I feel and why people aren't really drawn to me here. People like people who have things going on, who have qualities that you want yourself. If I don't have anything - that they can see - to offer, than why not pursue relationships with people who - you perceive to - have got it going on? 

I'm a needy friend, and I don't like it.

Always looking for love and recognition. I guess that's why performing can be so scary for me. To feel all that rejection being thrown at your face is not easy. It has to be dealt with in the healthy way though. And with a clear mind and realistic expectations. That's key.

I've been told to my find my acceptance in God... but that takes a commitment that I haven't ever given anything in my life before. Its a commitment that I understand in my head will only benefit me, but my relationship with God cannot be self-serving. I have to find a love for God and and I just don't know how to do that. Its a little scary. The Bible is a big book, full of many books and I just don't know where to start. A Pastor once said in church that a new member, or a new person to the faith should start by reading the Psalms & Proverbs.  I've never forgotten that, though I think he only said it once or twice. Maybe that's what I should do... David was a man after God's heart, maybe I should study what he thought about life and relationships. The lessons he learned... He messed up a whole lot so I'm sure he had a lot of great things to say.

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Old school Gospel. Puts me in a good mental place. Takes me back to my childhood when I was oblivious to responsibilities and the worries of the world. Ahhhhhhh.

Committing to My Desires: 3 January 2012

I'm tryna sort together my life. I guess there's a lot to think about, but also a lot to be grateful for. Mostly I'm just scared... Scared to really work hard to get the things that I know I really want. What makes
me so special? Why do I feel I have a calling on my life? Why in the world would it work out for me if it doesn't work out for over half of my profession? Doesn't everyone feel like its ment for them? I'm not so unique in that.

There's a level of irony about the show GLEE that has revealed itself to me. Here I this show full of characters that are insecure about their own talent and ability to make it in the industry, while the actors playing them are the minority that their characters long to be. It makes the show no less entertaining; however, it does make me wonder... Maybe I should just try something easier. Something that I know isn't going to push me over the edge. I'm beginning to really grasp how challenging this life is that I have chosen for myself. I'm at a crossroads now that I am about to return Oakwood.

Do I continue with the same bad habits that I have had most of my academic life, or do I develop new, good ones that will help me to achieve my career goals?

Perhaps that phrase 'career goal' is a bit of a stretch. I don't have goals, per say. It's probably more accurate to say that I have an abstract idea of what I want for myself. Short term goals make sense to me, however, long term ones never have. At least not ones that stretch beyond a few years. No one can predict the kind of person they will be in a few years. When I look back I would never have been able to describe the actual life that I had at Warwick Academy. They were life changing years. I'm not too close to them to know that they were. I met so many people whose influence on my will reverberate I'm my behavior for years to come.

I know this. Now I am entering in the adult realm of performance. I have to increase my efforts to the nth degree and although I don't want to study voice specifically, it is important that I take advantage of my opener unities. Attending Oakwood is a gift from God. For whatever reason, it was not time for me to go to Kean or any other university. I'm supposed to be at Oakwood, dealing with the people that I am dealing with now. There are a million reasons why Oakwood is the place where I am supposed to be. The more glaringly obvious one is that I was not ready to really commit to a program. Be vulnerable. Take risks. True this isn't the program that I want to do. But can I truly say that I gave it a try?

Either way, I cannot anything that I did this past semester. I cannot truly say whether I would. I needed that time. I needed to almost fail. I needed a little fire under my belly.

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Why will this semester be any different than the last one?

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My father just told me that he's not worried about whether or not I will be successful in my career. I was showing him a 'Seth Rudetsky Decinstructs' video on YouTube, and he comment that even though he doesn't know much about the guy, he can see that he carved out a niche for himself in the industry that he loved. He said that that is why he is not worried about me. Whatever I do, I will carve out a niche for myself.

I guess that kinda explains how I feel about where my career is headed. I have these desires to be a part of the theatre community. To be an actress and a singer. These desires do not feel very far away. They feel very accessible, tangible. Like all I have to do is just commit to it and then a path will be illuminated as I go. God promised it.