I feel so tired. Maybe it's because I worked out yesterday and did not get enough sleep. Thankfully I only have two classes today. Two classes and Glee.
It's just that one of them is Voice class and I feel a little guilty about not practising yesterday. Last week I felt so goo about practising voice everyday last week.
Anyway, it's almost time for my first class. I still haven canceled my appointment for Thursday, but I will.
Thinking about napping...
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Counseling: Playtime is Over
I don't know if I'm going to continue with this whole counseling thing.
There are reasons of course. Today was my first difficult session and I had to leave before I really understood anything or was able to explain myself.
I'm not sure if I like the process. You talk intimately about yourself and minutes later you have to leave. There's also the fact that I'm having difficulty really saying what I feel and what I've gone through. I've already put up these blocks of things that I'm never going to tell him. Never. The things that I am talking about are difficult to articulate. I find myself coming up blank, so I start saying things that don't make sense...
I believe he wants to help me... I do. But I don't know if I really want to talk about the problems I have socially like this...
There are reasons of course. Today was my first difficult session and I had to leave before I really understood anything or was able to explain myself.
I'm not sure if I like the process. You talk intimately about yourself and minutes later you have to leave. There's also the fact that I'm having difficulty really saying what I feel and what I've gone through. I've already put up these blocks of things that I'm never going to tell him. Never. The things that I am talking about are difficult to articulate. I find myself coming up blank, so I start saying things that don't make sense...
I believe he wants to help me... I do. But I don't know if I really want to talk about the problems I have socially like this...
I just... I'd much rather be having these conversations with someone that knows me and wants to be a part of my life. There's this false intimacy between us that really slapped me in the face today when he almost rushed me out of the room to catch the shuttle. This guy is not my friend. I guess there is supposed to be some kind if safety in that, in talking to a stranger. And maybe that was interesting to me at first but I don't want the person who knows me best to be my therapist.
Am I making excuses to avoid going back and dealing with my problems...? Maybe.
Maybe not. Angelina Jolie talked about going to therapy in her interview for Inside The Actors Studio and I've never totally agreed with her. She said she found the process simple, that she did not think there are easy answers.
The latter part I agreed with, but not so much the first. Towards the end though he kept pushing me to justify why I felt I have difficulty in my conversations with people. I got the feeling I gave him the wrong impression, told him that I didn't really talk to people that much. He called me out, told me that if I was isolating myself, how then would I know how people would react to me.
That got me thinking... Maybe saying I didn't really talk to people here was an over simplification. I DO talk to people! There are people here that I care about! I just don't have any close friends here and a part if me wants it that way. I made it very clear from the start that I did not want to be here. Why make friends that I will just have to leave in just 96 days?
But it's more than that. This place, these people, this atmosphere... It reminds of Bermuda Institute. The place where I started to grow apart from all the friends that I'd known all my life, from the people I thought knew me best (who I don't believe even missed me). The place where I started to feel like the freak I am today. The time in my life where I felt so lonely. The most lonely I've ever felt. More than now because at least now I have goals. Now I have friends that I actually do still talk to (via the social network). I didn't have anyone then. Other than Mrs. Hill-Smith, which says something right there. I hung out with a teacher my last year at BI!
How am I supposed to explain all that? How am I supposed to articulate experiences that I don't even remember much of? That last year of BI is a complete blur.
I dunno what to do.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Committing to My Desires: 3 January 2012
I'm tryna sort together my life. I guess there's a lot to think about, but also a lot to be grateful for. Mostly I'm just scared... Scared to really work hard to get the things that I know I really want. What makes
me so special? Why do I feel I have a calling on my life? Why in the world would it work out for me if it doesn't work out for over half of my profession? Doesn't everyone feel like its ment for them? I'm not so unique in that.
There's a level of irony about the show GLEE that has revealed itself to me. Here I this show full of characters that are insecure about their own talent and ability to make it in the industry, while the actors playing them are the minority that their characters long to be. It makes the show no less entertaining; however, it does make me wonder... Maybe I should just try something easier. Something that I know isn't going to push me over the edge. I'm beginning to really grasp how challenging this life is that I have chosen for myself. I'm at a crossroads now that I am about to return Oakwood.
Do I continue with the same bad habits that I have had most of my academic life, or do I develop new, good ones that will help me to achieve my career goals?
Perhaps that phrase 'career goal' is a bit of a stretch. I don't have goals, per say. It's probably more accurate to say that I have an abstract idea of what I want for myself. Short term goals make sense to me, however, long term ones never have. At least not ones that stretch beyond a few years. No one can predict the kind of person they will be in a few years. When I look back I would never have been able to describe the actual life that I had at Warwick Academy. They were life changing years. I'm not too close to them to know that they were. I met so many people whose influence on my will reverberate I'm my behavior for years to come.
I know this. Now I am entering in the adult realm of performance. I have to increase my efforts to the nth degree and although I don't want to study voice specifically, it is important that I take advantage of my opener unities. Attending Oakwood is a gift from God. For whatever reason, it was not time for me to go to Kean or any other university. I'm supposed to be at Oakwood, dealing with the people that I am dealing with now. There are a million reasons why Oakwood is the place where I am supposed to be. The more glaringly obvious one is that I was not ready to really commit to a program. Be vulnerable. Take risks. True this isn't the program that I want to do. But can I truly say that I gave it a try?
Either way, I cannot anything that I did this past semester. I cannot truly say whether I would. I needed that time. I needed to almost fail. I needed a little fire under my belly.
--
Why will this semester be any different than the last one?
--
My father just told me that he's not worried about whether or not I will be successful in my career. I was showing him a 'Seth Rudetsky Decinstructs' video on YouTube, and he comment that even though he doesn't know much about the guy, he can see that he carved out a niche for himself in the industry that he loved. He said that that is why he is not worried about me. Whatever I do, I will carve out a niche for myself.
I guess that kinda explains how I feel about where my career is headed. I have these desires to be a part of the theatre community. To be an actress and a singer. These desires do not feel very far away. They feel very accessible, tangible. Like all I have to do is just commit to it and then a path will be illuminated as I go. God promised it.
me so special? Why do I feel I have a calling on my life? Why in the world would it work out for me if it doesn't work out for over half of my profession? Doesn't everyone feel like its ment for them? I'm not so unique in that.
There's a level of irony about the show GLEE that has revealed itself to me. Here I this show full of characters that are insecure about their own talent and ability to make it in the industry, while the actors playing them are the minority that their characters long to be. It makes the show no less entertaining; however, it does make me wonder... Maybe I should just try something easier. Something that I know isn't going to push me over the edge. I'm beginning to really grasp how challenging this life is that I have chosen for myself. I'm at a crossroads now that I am about to return Oakwood.
Do I continue with the same bad habits that I have had most of my academic life, or do I develop new, good ones that will help me to achieve my career goals?
Perhaps that phrase 'career goal' is a bit of a stretch. I don't have goals, per say. It's probably more accurate to say that I have an abstract idea of what I want for myself. Short term goals make sense to me, however, long term ones never have. At least not ones that stretch beyond a few years. No one can predict the kind of person they will be in a few years. When I look back I would never have been able to describe the actual life that I had at Warwick Academy. They were life changing years. I'm not too close to them to know that they were. I met so many people whose influence on my will reverberate I'm my behavior for years to come.
I know this. Now I am entering in the adult realm of performance. I have to increase my efforts to the nth degree and although I don't want to study voice specifically, it is important that I take advantage of my opener unities. Attending Oakwood is a gift from God. For whatever reason, it was not time for me to go to Kean or any other university. I'm supposed to be at Oakwood, dealing with the people that I am dealing with now. There are a million reasons why Oakwood is the place where I am supposed to be. The more glaringly obvious one is that I was not ready to really commit to a program. Be vulnerable. Take risks. True this isn't the program that I want to do. But can I truly say that I gave it a try?
Either way, I cannot anything that I did this past semester. I cannot truly say whether I would. I needed that time. I needed to almost fail. I needed a little fire under my belly.
--
Why will this semester be any different than the last one?
--
My father just told me that he's not worried about whether or not I will be successful in my career. I was showing him a 'Seth Rudetsky Decinstructs' video on YouTube, and he comment that even though he doesn't know much about the guy, he can see that he carved out a niche for himself in the industry that he loved. He said that that is why he is not worried about me. Whatever I do, I will carve out a niche for myself.
I guess that kinda explains how I feel about where my career is headed. I have these desires to be a part of the theatre community. To be an actress and a singer. These desires do not feel very far away. They feel very accessible, tangible. Like all I have to do is just commit to it and then a path will be illuminated as I go. God promised it.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Monday, March 7, 2011
Death in the Family
One of my oldest and best friends died on Sunday... or was it Saturday? I dunno. I found out about it on Sunday. I was at my Auntie's house and she was checking her Facebook account, of all things. Or maybe she fount out first from her BB Messenger account, she said that that was how she found out who had died... Either way, she came into her living, where I was watching 'Never Let Me Go' with her daughter, her husband and my mother, and told us point blank what had happened.
They couldn't get the name out at first, or they couldn't get it right. We know a Vershon and a Vashon. Two very different people, especially in their relationship to me. Vershon is by best friend; Vashon is a guy that I'm cool with but basically we just went to the same school together. They, at least name wise, have often been mixed up in the past.
My Aunt said Vershon. My sister said Vash. I prayed desperately in the seconds that they sorted it out that it was Vash. I hate to say it. But... it is what I did.
When she said Vershon Simmons, I knew they were talking about my friend. It took a few seconds to register, but then it started to sink in. I cried. Quietly. I recognize now that I was holding back. I don't like to cry especially in public; I don't like being vulnerable in front of people. Which is ironic because I want to be an actor, which is all about being vulnerable in front of people. I eventually stopped crying, however, that was just the first of three bouts of crying that night. It didn't help that at the time I was watching a film about losing those close to you or the inevitability of loosing someone sooner than you think you should. I'm trying to remember where in the film I was told about Vershon... the film in that area is a blank to me. All I remember is that it was before she scene where Ruth tells Kathy and Tommy that she came between them all those years ago... maybe even before Kathy becomes a carer.
That film is now forever linked to my memories of Vershon. I have to get in on DVD now.
---
I realize a day later, that I don't really believe it yet. It all feels like a cruel joke.
Some friend at school were talking about how this girl kept posting 'RIP Vershun' on her wall over and over again and then had to correct herself afterward.
It was the first time I told someone outside of my circle that he was my best friend. They said his name and I actually thought: 'Why do people keep saying he's dead. He's not dead.'
What are the stages of grief?
They couldn't get the name out at first, or they couldn't get it right. We know a Vershon and a Vashon. Two very different people, especially in their relationship to me. Vershon is by best friend; Vashon is a guy that I'm cool with but basically we just went to the same school together. They, at least name wise, have often been mixed up in the past.
My Aunt said Vershon. My sister said Vash. I prayed desperately in the seconds that they sorted it out that it was Vash. I hate to say it. But... it is what I did.
When she said Vershon Simmons, I knew they were talking about my friend. It took a few seconds to register, but then it started to sink in. I cried. Quietly. I recognize now that I was holding back. I don't like to cry especially in public; I don't like being vulnerable in front of people. Which is ironic because I want to be an actor, which is all about being vulnerable in front of people. I eventually stopped crying, however, that was just the first of three bouts of crying that night. It didn't help that at the time I was watching a film about losing those close to you or the inevitability of loosing someone sooner than you think you should. I'm trying to remember where in the film I was told about Vershon... the film in that area is a blank to me. All I remember is that it was before she scene where Ruth tells Kathy and Tommy that she came between them all those years ago... maybe even before Kathy becomes a carer.
That film is now forever linked to my memories of Vershon. I have to get in on DVD now.
---
I realize a day later, that I don't really believe it yet. It all feels like a cruel joke.
Some friend at school were talking about how this girl kept posting 'RIP Vershun' on her wall over and over again and then had to correct herself afterward.
It was the first time I told someone outside of my circle that he was my best friend. They said his name and I actually thought: 'Why do people keep saying he's dead. He's not dead.'
What are the stages of grief?
- - Shock or Disbelief
- - Denial
- - Anger
- - Bargaining
- - Guilt
- - Depression
- - Acceptance and Hope
Based on this, I'd say I'm right on track. Even if its is an 'Emotionless Train' track.
---
Please read: “I’M RIDING THIS EMOTIONLESS TRAIN AS FAR AS IT WILL GO.” by becomingjennie.
She is a huge inspiration for me right now, and as I read this post aloud, I couldn't help but ball my eyes out. Everything she says rings true for me. There are so many things that we have in common, despite all the things that are different about us.
---
Please read: “I’M RIDING THIS EMOTIONLESS TRAIN AS FAR AS IT WILL GO.” by becomingjennie.
She is a huge inspiration for me right now, and as I read this post aloud, I couldn't help but ball my eyes out. Everything she says rings true for me. There are so many things that we have in common, despite all the things that are different about us.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Mis-truths and Half-Truths
Sometimes I get so caught up in wanting to looking perfect and good and worth-while, that I can forget that everyone else feels the same way. I mean, I understand that everyone else is insecure in some way - I can compute it. But it doesn't always translate in to true understanding, and true understanding always constitutes action. Always. If we do not act on what we think we believe then we don't really believe it.
Take my faith, for example. I've been a practicing Seventh-Day Adventist all of my life. The ideology of this religion is so ingrained in my system, that I don't even know where to begin to explain it. Bible was a core subject at my old school. Its possible that if you failed Bible, you could be held back a year. It's a system I just accepted - although quite frankly Bible was such an easy class to pass, if you failed it you probably deserved to stay back!
However, as I grow older I have found that I can just accept the things I was taught in that class at face value. I've been struggling in my faith for a long time. I refuse to give up on it, but I can't say that I am working on strengthening it.
I think it is the mistrust and the confusion that really prevents me from acting. I am scared of what I might discover. That the one thing that has been constant throughout my life is a lie. Suddenly, I can sympathize with all the people who discovered something similar for themselves after years and years of dedication. And not necessarily their faith. It could have been their marriage, their career, their sexual orientation. Anything really! Anything you held on to for so long, and then suddenly realized that it just was not true. Or that you never really believed it in the first place.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
The Art of Acting... no, the Auditions of Acting
Stella Adler said once that "the theatre was created to tell people the truth about life and the social situation." (BrainyQuote.com)
This is a quote I am using in my Theory of Knowledge essay. The essay discusses the truth as it relates to art. When I first read the initial question, I knew it was the one for me. It gives me so much freedom. I could justify Hitler dressed as Jesus in a play if I really tried (*blank face* I wouldn't).
But thats not really what I aim to do with it. To me, the essay is more about investigating the worth of theatre to me and whether or not I should press forward with my own desires to be an actor. I've spent so much of my time, ignoring these desires, or rather ignoring the pursuit of them. I'd say its about time I actually invested time into it. Even when I'm working on my improv skills in class or at an audition, I get this sense that I'm holding back, scared.
This is a quote I am using in my Theory of Knowledge essay. The essay discusses the truth as it relates to art. When I first read the initial question, I knew it was the one for me. It gives me so much freedom. I could justify Hitler dressed as Jesus in a play if I really tried (*blank face* I wouldn't).
But thats not really what I aim to do with it. To me, the essay is more about investigating the worth of theatre to me and whether or not I should press forward with my own desires to be an actor. I've spent so much of my time, ignoring these desires, or rather ignoring the pursuit of them. I'd say its about time I actually invested time into it. Even when I'm working on my improv skills in class or at an audition, I get this sense that I'm holding back, scared.
--
I have an audition on Friday @ 7.20. I just found out about it yesterday. Well.... that's not true. It was confirmed yesterday, with my name lined up next to other names. I was expecting the email, was even checking my inbox to see if it was there.
Somehow, though, when it was there in black and white, I wasn't ready. I have to perform a contemporary monologue and a song of my choice, but its not a musical. The G&S Society of Bermuda is putting on a production of the play 'Animal Farm' and apparently there's a little bit of singing in it. The G&S productions here always have singing in them. In fact, the first play they ever put on was 'History Boys' last year - I was stage manager of that. But even 'History Boys' has singing it it.
I'm not that worried about being cast. I'm pretty confident I will be. The director of 'History Boys' is returning, and I think I have an in because he knows me and my work ethic. If I do get cast, it will be my first time ever performing in a G&S production. I've auditioned for the last two years for their musicals - even getting a call back for the last one. However, it just wasn't right. Marjorie Stanton, the president of the G&S Society of Bermuda called both times to tell me that it wasn't going to work out. She even, the last time, complimented me on my efforts with 'History Boys'. She's a class act.
This time is different. I really want to do this and I know that I'm full capable. I didn't feel that the last two times. For the first audition I was totally out of place: they didn't know me and I wasn't comfortable with that. It was for 'Oliver!' and I sang 'As Long as He Needs Me'. Like I was going to be cast as Nancy! Ha! Clearly, it was the wrong song and butchered it. Ended up singing 'Happy Birthday' like all the little kids. I was 16! Embarrassing!
The second time I was a much more confident and relaxed. The show was also more appropriate for me: 'Best Little Whorehouse in Texas'. Yeeehawww! But I screwed up with my song choice there too. I sang 'Cute Boys With Short Haircuts' from 'Vanities, The Musical', which is way too much for me - can't hit all those high notes yet. And I had just started learning it too. So I got in there and messed up the words. I tried to make up for it with my acting, and I even made the director laugh. That was exciting. The first time an auditioner has ever showed any spontaneous response to what I was doing in front of them. And laughter too! Wow. It was great.
I kinda messed it up on the call-back though. Didn't leave enough of an impression. Or maybe not the right kind of one. I was funny during the dancing: pushed up my boobs during the "nothing dirty's going on line" of 'Little Bitty Pissant Country Place'. But I fell flat on the acting portion. Rushed through my lines and played the comic beats instead of just letting them happen. Comedy is not my strong suit. *pout*
This time is different. Its a play. I'm dying to be a part of a play again! Also its a contemporary play too and I haven't acted in a contemporary play yet. At least for a paying audience.
This should be fun.
--
If I'm well prepared, auditions are actually fun for me. It's the stress before and after that's really annoying.
Any wannabe actors reading this ought to check out Stella Adler's book "The Art of Acting". I have it and although I haven't finished it yet, its a great read for anyone who wants to take the craft seriously.
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