What does commitment look like?

No seriously. What does it look like? It's that foreign to me. Sometimes I feel committed to something. But those feeling go away so quickly. Perhaps I'm more impulsive that I give myself credit for... I have no self-control.

But there are all these things that I want... Would it kill me to work a little harder to get them?

I spent the entire day in bed today. Woke up only to eat and then I go and have pizza. I feel like as fat pig (not to mention I weighed myself YESTURDAY... Not good. I weigh like 183 pounds. No wonder I'm so slow.)

I'm so scared. Scared I will be fat and unhappy for the rest of my life. for as long as I can remember I have been overweight and unhappy. Buried so deeply under my bad habits that I often feel like I cannot breathe.

Hope is only a dream. I'm so scared to want things. And I don't know why. I haven't faced half as much of the adversity that some people have... Not that I would know very much about that. Nonfiction is so difficult for me to read. I lived most of my life in this fantasy world. Bad things are happening in the world right now. I can't spend my entire life trying to avoid truth.

INFJs are called the Protectors. Part of me feels believes that I don't want to know the truth about the world because of how helpless it will make me feel. I can't help most of the people in he world. I'm exhausted just thinking about trying... Whoa.

My choir prayed for some country that tragedy struck YESTURDAY. I came in late so I don't know where they were talking about, but I'm so disconnected from the world. I should have known anyway. I should be more in touch with International News. My perspective I unique- being from Bermuda and also American - but what good is my perspective if I do not use it to help people and expand their awareness of the world.

I know I want to help people. I just have to get through these last 69 day of Oakwood, doing my best, so I can can go somewhere and actually help people. I do not want to be here. I don't want to get too comfortable here. This is not the real world. People are going to expect more from me the further I go in my education. I cannot act like I am still I high school. That's just stupid, and I'm not stupid.

Claiming My Breakthrough

I started singing for real this week. I don't know what it is but suddenly, as if through osmosis or something (because I defiantly have not been practicing as I should have), I started to sing.

Now I've sang my entire life but not as good as I would have liked. More recently, songs a have been more difficult for me to sing. As you get older and more experienced, more is expected of you - as it should be!

But of course, I am here at Oakwood University to improve my singing skills and to cultivate skills that will support this, ie reading music.

Everyday is a struggle to continue to improve myself. But I am trying. I am not willing to give up -- I want to be great too much.

I Feel Sexy ;D

Tiredness

I feel so tired. Maybe it's because I worked out yesterday and did not get enough sleep. Thankfully I only have two classes today. Two classes and Glee.

It's just that one of them is Voice class and I feel a little guilty about not practising yesterday. Last week I felt so goo about practising voice everyday last week.

Anyway, it's almost time for my first class. I still haven canceled my appointment for Thursday, but I will.

Thinking about napping...

Counseling: Playtime is Over

I don't know if I'm going to continue with this whole counseling thing.

There are reasons of course. Today was my first difficult session and I had to leave before I really understood anything or was able to explain myself.

I'm not sure if I like the process. You talk intimately about yourself and minutes later you have to leave. There's also the fact that I'm having difficulty really saying what I feel and what I've gone through. I've already put up these blocks of things that I'm never going to tell him. Never. The things that I am talking about are difficult to articulate. I find myself coming up blank, so I start saying things that don't make sense...

I believe he wants to help me... I do. But I don't know if I really want to talk about the problems I have socially like this...

I just... I'd much rather be having these conversations with someone that knows me and wants to be a part of my life. There's this false intimacy between us that really slapped me in the face today when he almost rushed me out of the room to catch the shuttle. This guy is not my friend. I guess there is supposed to be some kind if safety in that, in talking to a stranger. And maybe that was interesting to me at first but I don't want the person who knows me best to be my therapist.

Am I making excuses to avoid going back and dealing with my problems...? Maybe.

Maybe not. Angelina Jolie talked about going to therapy in her interview for Inside The Actors Studio and I've never totally agreed with her. She said she found the process simple, that she did not think there are easy answers.

The latter part I agreed with, but not so much the first. Towards the end though he kept pushing me to justify why I felt I have difficulty in my conversations with people. I got the feeling I gave him the wrong impression, told him that I didn't really talk to people that much. He called me out, told me that if I was isolating myself, how then would I know how people would react to me.

That got me thinking... Maybe saying I didn't really talk to people here was an over simplification. I DO talk to people! There are people here that I care about! I just don't have any close friends here and a part if me wants it that way. I made it very clear from the start that I did not want to be here. Why make friends that I will just have to leave in just 96 days?

But it's more than that. This place, these people, this atmosphere... It reminds of Bermuda Institute. The place where I started to grow apart from all the friends that I'd known all my life, from the people I thought knew me best (who I don't believe even missed me). The place where I started to feel like the freak I am today. The time in my life where I felt so lonely. The most lonely I've ever felt. More than now because at least now I have goals. Now I have friends that I actually do still talk to (via the social network). I didn't have anyone then. Other than Mrs. Hill-Smith, which says something right there. I hung out with a teacher my last year at BI!

How am I supposed to explain all that? How am I supposed to articulate experiences that I don't even remember much of? That last year of BI is a complete blur.

I dunno what to do.

Committing to My Desires: 3 January 2012

I'm tryna sort together my life. I guess there's a lot to think about, but also a lot to be grateful for. Mostly I'm just scared... Scared to really work hard to get the things that I know I really want. What makes
me so special? Why do I feel I have a calling on my life? Why in the world would it work out for me if it doesn't work out for over half of my profession? Doesn't everyone feel like its ment for them? I'm not so unique in that.

There's a level of irony about the show GLEE that has revealed itself to me. Here I this show full of characters that are insecure about their own talent and ability to make it in the industry, while the actors playing them are the minority that their characters long to be. It makes the show no less entertaining; however, it does make me wonder... Maybe I should just try something easier. Something that I know isn't going to push me over the edge. I'm beginning to really grasp how challenging this life is that I have chosen for myself. I'm at a crossroads now that I am about to return Oakwood.

Do I continue with the same bad habits that I have had most of my academic life, or do I develop new, good ones that will help me to achieve my career goals?

Perhaps that phrase 'career goal' is a bit of a stretch. I don't have goals, per say. It's probably more accurate to say that I have an abstract idea of what I want for myself. Short term goals make sense to me, however, long term ones never have. At least not ones that stretch beyond a few years. No one can predict the kind of person they will be in a few years. When I look back I would never have been able to describe the actual life that I had at Warwick Academy. They were life changing years. I'm not too close to them to know that they were. I met so many people whose influence on my will reverberate I'm my behavior for years to come.

I know this. Now I am entering in the adult realm of performance. I have to increase my efforts to the nth degree and although I don't want to study voice specifically, it is important that I take advantage of my opener unities. Attending Oakwood is a gift from God. For whatever reason, it was not time for me to go to Kean or any other university. I'm supposed to be at Oakwood, dealing with the people that I am dealing with now. There are a million reasons why Oakwood is the place where I am supposed to be. The more glaringly obvious one is that I was not ready to really commit to a program. Be vulnerable. Take risks. True this isn't the program that I want to do. But can I truly say that I gave it a try?

Either way, I cannot anything that I did this past semester. I cannot truly say whether I would. I needed that time. I needed to almost fail. I needed a little fire under my belly.

--

Why will this semester be any different than the last one?

--

My father just told me that he's not worried about whether or not I will be successful in my career. I was showing him a 'Seth Rudetsky Decinstructs' video on YouTube, and he comment that even though he doesn't know much about the guy, he can see that he carved out a niche for himself in the industry that he loved. He said that that is why he is not worried about me. Whatever I do, I will carve out a niche for myself.

I guess that kinda explains how I feel about where my career is headed. I have these desires to be a part of the theatre community. To be an actress and a singer. These desires do not feel very far away. They feel very accessible, tangible. Like all I have to do is just commit to it and then a path will be illuminated as I go. God promised it.

"Move On" at Ravinia Festival. 2010.